Dinner with the Lowes

Tonight David and Laurel, my best friend and his wife, came over for dinner! Aside from being a little stressed out because dinner was a little late, it was so fun. Rachel is so good about inviting people over for dinner. They brought their wonderful children and they were both so funny and unique! Zacky is there oldest and he says and does really funny things. He was very curious about our kitties. Unfortunately they are very xenophobic and as a result they hide when strangers come. If they only knew that they are not strangers to us! We couldn't coax them from out from under the bed the whole time they were here. Patrick, as David says, is a destroyer. He walks around getting into EVERYTHING he can! He's a curious kid and he always seems to have an objective in mind. He had an accident and they realized it when he was climbing on our coffee table. As soon as they were done taking care of it, he came right back in in just his diaper and climbed right back onto the coffee table! I thought it was so funny and so entertaining. I love their kids, they're the greatest. David was telling me that his children aren't very much alike at all and they're also so unlike other kids. I hadn't thought of it before, but I've known quite a lot of children and he's right: they are very unique! I hope my children are unique that way too. I'm sure however they are I will love them.

Interacting with his kids and seeing them climbing all over everything, I got excited about having my own kids. As everyone knows, we have a boy on the way and I just can't wait to meet him. Its crazy that I'm finally going to be a father. I've waited so long and wished so much...I'm just really happy.

I had a sad thought today about all the children in the world who don't have anyone to affirm them. Abandoned or with uninvolved parents, my heart nearly broke. I looked at David's kids and just imagined how little they know about how lucky they are. They have loving parents who will do anything for them. Rarer and rarer that becomes. I realized that I mostly am ignorant of how lucky I am as well. My family wasn't perfect, but they were good to me. Kindness was the rule at my house and unkindness was the exception. Why? I'm just really lucky. David was blessed as was laurel and I think it shows in their parenting.

I looked at all the effort David and Laurel put into their kids and it is really inspiring. When they arrived I could tell they had had a hard time getting them to our house. I thought about how absurd it was that we always want to take credit for who we are. Don't get me wrong, I'm about as strong of a supporter of agency as you will ever meet. I truly believe that people can decide how they feel and treat people. But I know that the amount of effort people have put into our lives can show in our comportment. There are exceptions, but when people put genuine effort into us, its good for our souls.

David has put a lot of effort into me. He's a really good friend and I love him. Who I am was/is directly influenced by who he was/is. I am so glad that he found someone as great as laurel. I always wanted David to marry someone who really appreciated him, and I think Laurel does.

Thinking about this, I think how different I am because of the effort Rachel has put into me. I have so many idiosyncrasies that its hardly worth getting into their details. But Rachel bears most of them so patiently. I couldn't ask for a better partner. She loves who I am. I am lucky to be hers. It takes a special girl to love a man as strange as I. You should see.

As we start our family, I can't wait to see what is created when we both put intense effort into our son and then hopefully more to come. I don't know how things will turn out, but I can bet they'll be beautiful.

The Man-Child

It's a boy! Isn't that crazy! I guess I never understood why everyone was so surprised or excited when they found it was either or, but I guess I've just realized that it was probably all about beginning to define your baby. I think it's amazing! Last time we went for an ultrasound, the baby only looked sort of like a baby. But this time it looked like baby! I couldn't have predicted how I would feel! I was so happy-nervous! It is beautiful! I can't wait to be a father and I just know that Rachel will be an amazing mother. She is so sweet and tender. She'll be kind to our children. I'm so excited I can barely stand it. I hope that I can be a good dad.

Rachel and I have talked a lot about how we want to be. One thing that is important to me is that I want to teach my kids about forgiveness. I want them to know that they can be/are forgiven of the mistakes they make. I think that is pivotal. I don't want my kids to feel bad for the things they do, I want them to figure out how to be accountable for the things they do and then move on. I remember as a child being racked with guilt occasionally, and my parents didn't even know it. I'm sure I won't be able to teach it as well as I would like, but its very important to me. My parents did a great job, I just wasn't very expressive about my emotions.

I love to think about what he'll be like! What will he prefer? What will he dislike? Will he think I'm funny or roll his eyes. Probably both, in that order. But I'm really excited. I can't wait to meet him!

Make sure you read rach's post below, we posted on the same day for the first time.

Someday we both will walk where a baby made tomorrow is again

Yesterday was the highly anticipated gender-discerning ultrasound for our Little Stranger. I’ve been so eager to find out for awhile now; sometimes in my office at work I would look down and say out loud, “Sweet baby, what ARE you?” It seemed like the mystery of mysteries!

The ultrasound appointment was right between two of my classes, so Jonathan met me after Dr. Limb’s class and we went over to the student health center where we behaved very demurely in the waiting room, and definitely were not picking at each other’s blackheads, because sick, who would do that, especially in public.

“Jonathan,” I said fretfully as I was not holding still for him to work on one in my cheek, “I have to be honest, I’m going to be a little disappointed if it’s not a boy.” (I have always really wanted a boy first; at the same time I recognize the arbitrary nature of ascribing certain attributes to an unknown personality based solely on gender. Just so you know.)

“I think it’s a girl,” he told me, based on my midwife’s conjecture from the previous day.

“I hope,” I continued, “that when they say it out loud, I have this bursting feeling of rightness, and suddenly I’ll be really happy no matter what they say. But that’s what people said would happen with my mission call.”

“Only Racher,” Jonathan said fondly, not showing me the results of his digging.

“That’s pretty good,” I said, not admiring his work. “I wish we could hire DOLHPINS to do people’s ultrasounds. Since they’re so good at sonography. You could just wade into the ocean, and they could assess the gender with a bunch of little clicks and then they could bounce either a pink beach ball in the air, or a blue one.”

Soon enough I was clambering onto the table and Jodee the bendita ultrasound tech was squirting that goo onto my ever more prominent panzcita. I was surprised how much bigger the Little Stranger was since the last ultrasound at 14 weeks (I’m almost 21 now)! It looks like a real baby now and not a seahorse or salamander. It was such a sweet thing to see, especially that little heartbeat pulsating in the middle. Jonathan and I veritably beamed at each other.

Jodee was very thorough and showed us all of the limbs, the stomach, the spine, the bladder, and the kidneys. “Kidneys!” I exclaimed. “I FORGOT about those! Good thing the baby remembered to make some!” I told Jonathan last week that it’s amazing how all I do is eat, (for better or for worse…mostly for better) and the baby basically constructs its own bones, tissues and organs, “like Starcraft, only in my uterus.”
Jodee measured the baby’s brain and said it was perfect. “Does it look really intelligent?” I said hopefully. “Oh, very,” she replied. “Biggest brain I’ve ever seen.” :)

Then she asked if we were ready to find out the gender. I wailed, “This is what I’m nervous for!” “Really,” said Jodee. “Most people are just nervous to find out if their baby is healthy.” (Pwned!). We laughed and I said I really was happy and grateful and overjoyed that the baby is healthy, but there’s just a finality with knowing either way…

“Well, it’s a boy!” she said brightly.

I screamed a little, “Oh my gosh! Really!” I looked at Jonny and asked, “Is that okay? Are you sad?” He was grinning so broadly, I didn’t need to ask. I told him I’d “make a girl next time,” which is anatomically impossible but sort of a politician’s promise I extended to show him my goodwill.
Anyway!

I am so very happy to be having a little guy! Or a man-child, as my Grandfather would say. My mind is teeming with thoughts but I just wanted to record the experience of finding out, for now. Ya lo quiero mucho a mi'hijo precioso, que bendicion tan agradable poder averiguar antes del nacimiento que va a ser hombre.

P.S: I'm not posting ultrasound pictures because I think they all look the same. I'm trying to be realistic about when my baby's cuteness will be emergent, which I am predicting will be around two months of age. :)

I walked home smiling; I finally had a story to tell.

I'm very sorry to see 2010 go. I know I'm going to miss this time in my life. It was 12 deep sweet joyful quickly-spiraling months with my dearest friend. Despite being so obsessed with each other that we were practically inebriated with love, we still managed to accomplish quite a lot! Jonathan graduated from the BSW program and I finished my first year of grad school (and my thesis!!). We both interned with DCFS, although not at the same time. Jonathan started working at the jail and I started working at Wasatch Mental Health. We played HARD--we went on cabin trips with the Urban Tribe to Milburn and Wyoming, camping with the Lowes, Arizona for my companion's wedding/visiting my cousins, Florida with the Stranges, Mexico and Bear Lake with the Browns. I moved to the Commune in January which resulted in exponential amounts of fun. I donated gallons of plasma and Jonathan built and fixed computers and engaged in both merchantry and piracy :). I read about birthing and the DSM-IV and Jonathan read Bruce Perry and Ayn Rand. I taught Relief Society and Jonathan brilliantly slew numberless concourses of aliens, zombies, locusts, prairie animals, and Collectors...and was generally a hero in every absolutely every regard. He is a survivor and he is ripped like Jean Valjean. He planned our trip to the D.R and made it the most incredible honeymoon I could have imagined...it was so perfect for us. We still marvel to this day at how lucky we were to be able to go there. We listened to incredible music together and with our friends, carried out deeds of goodness, plotted birthday surprises and cheering-up activities, watched some great movies...mostly at the Commune...and loved each other and enjoyed our dear friends and family. It was a fantastic year.

I should also mention that 2010 was the year we got engaged, married, and pregnant...hopefully we have some momentous occasions still saved up for the years ahead. Happy, happy new year!

I know I'm a better version of myself than I was at the beginning of 2010--not in every aspect, but I am a better social worker, so I am using more of myself and my talents, and I am more aware of my choices and the power I have over my preferences and emotions. For the next year, I want to focus on improving my relationships with God, family, my fellowman, and myself. I want to let mindfulness and authenticity have a fuller place in my being and eliminate guile (which I believe translates into being too concerned with how others see me). I want a more pure heart for when I meet my baby. :) "My boy, my boy--you have my whole heart!...You always have." (from The Road).

Songs from 2010
Upward Over the Mountain, Iron and Wine (Live at Messiah College version)
Fever Dream, Iron and Wine
Diamonds on the Souls of her Shoes, Paul Simon
Use Somebody, Kings of Leon
How to Disappear Completely, Radiohead
Wonderwall, Ryan Adams (this was the song we danced to at our wedding!)
Ara Batur, Sigur Ros
Alejandro, Lady Gaga (even though Jonathan HATES this song he can't deny that it will always remind him of last summer. Haha).
Your Love is My Drug, Ke$ha (same!)

Here we are adoring our Little Stranger. 18 weeks, almost halfway through!

One of us will die inside these arms; eyes wide open

Yesterday was my father's 60^th birthday. I wanted very much to do something special to honor him, but he's not the sort of person who would appreciate a party or presents very much. I decided it would mean a lot to him to be given a chance to express himself, as very often he feels he is ignored and his ideas undervalued. I wanted him to have the gift of being listened to and feeling important. I planned a question-and-answer family home evening with him and it was a really lovely, wrenching, poignant experience. We began by singing his favorite hymn "Lord I would Follow Thee" and then I had him sit in a chair in the middle of the room and asked him the questions. He was excited about it and it was terribly cute. I stayed away from questions that had potential to nudge at wounds of regret and sorrow...or thought I had. :) My father has a very powerful way with words and he weaves what he feels into everything he relates. He actually has a very beautiful way of speaking; although he would never believe that. There was a heaviness and a raw humility that made the experience so poignant and sharp.

It would seem exploitive to post his answers, because they have so much to do with our family and the way things are and have been with us (not that I could even remember them in the detail needed to make them alive,) but these are the questions I asked him (they are not many but they took over an hour and a half to answer:):
Describe a happy childhood memory. One memory that's not too personal is my Dad being "uninvited" from Primary...which back in the 50's was on Wednesday nights. He also shared a story about bursting out singing "Davy Crockett" at the top of his lungs during sacrament meeting. His parents tried to silence him but he was undeterred.
Talk about the changes you have seen in the world during your lifetime. One thing he said that I liked was "You can say there was a revolution, or you can say that what was there all along became known and accepted."
What is something difficult you've overcome in your life?
Share a Christmas memory, whichever one you recall.
Where would you go, if you could live anywhere for a year?
Share a positive memory of one of your children.
What makes you feel hope?

After the questions I opened up the time for my brothers and sisters to make comments or share memories of our father. I talked about hiking in the Grand Canyon with him when I was 9 years old and how I felt like we were partners; that him taking me along on such a hard hike made me feel tough and courageous. He said, "You were!" I also described how he wrote me a poem in the book my family put together for me when I left for college when I was 18. It had a reference to the stories I used to demand when I was tiny. ( stories had to be about My Little Ponies, the Ponies had to encounter mortal peril at some point, and the story had to have a happy ending.) I have a clear memory of my father telling us that the Ponies were in the woods and saw a lot of garbage heaped up, which made them very afraid. He asked why the garbage made them afraid, and when we didn't know, he explained, "Because it meant there were bears around..the bears always came to eat the garbage." That's amusing to me now when I think of it in the context of my father the wilderness man, but at the time it chilled me to my bones. Anyway, the line in the poem said, "As the ponies well learned, may you too be awares/that where there is garbage, there'll likely be bears." He ended the poem with a song I had made up as a 3 year old about Rainbow Brite. It meant a lot to me that he would even remember that. It's sweet to think, despite everything that has happened, of my father enjoying his 3 year old daughter being silly and making up songs, enjoying it enough to commit it to memory.

After everyone shared about my father, I said that we had a special celebrity guest performance for the closing hymn, and then played Paul Simon's "The Obvious Child" off an ipod. My father was filled with glee and afterwards told us how much that activity had meant to him. He even gave me an awkward side-hug (our specialty) and thanked me profusely later. I was so glad because I felt I succeeded in my goal of making my father feel special, and I wanted that so much for him--it comes so rarely. It was one of those times I felt absolutely that the right thing had been done, and I was so happy. I love my father. I don't have a typical father-daughter relationship with him (yet another thing I get defensive about when people make assumptions--I really need to work on that!) but I appreciate how different my Dad is from other people and the affect that has had on me. I admire how deeply he thinks about things, how he wants to help The People, how he learned Spanish just to work with his Medicaid patients, how much he relates to music, how he prefers hard work to ease and luxury. My father really is a very kind person. He is constantly inquisitive about the world and is always teaching himself things, like woodworking and gardening. He made me and Jonathan a beautiful hope-chest for our wedding and nearly finished it for Christmas. It broke my heart how much time he must have spent on it. I couldn't enthuse enough for what it was worth. I love how my Dad bikes on rollers during the winter while watching the Tour de France and how he reads at the table like I do and how obsessed he is with WWII. I love how he quoted Simon and Garfunkel when he taught Sunday School and how he scratches his head when he laughs really hard.

When my father was answering the question on hope, I was bursting with wanting to tell him that my baby is hope for him, that it is so vitally important to me to have my children love and esteem him. I'm going to do all I can to help them have a good relationship with him. But that's not really the kind of thing you say, it's the kind of thing you do your best with and hope that healing takes place. I have such great hopes for that healing, I really do. A baby should mean joy every time one is born, I hope it can be that way with my father's grandchildren.

I love my little stranger so dearly for being so full of promise. One of my aunts told me this week, "You will never think of yourself first again." Tears sprang to my eyes because I want that so badly. I know so many of the wounds I've acquired in my life were caused by selfishness and not seeing things clearly, and the closest I've felt to glory is when I was giving with a pure heart. Whatever else I may feel, I know that is what is right for me. Little baby, who are you going to be? This is such a sweet time to dream of possibilities. In one of my HBSE classes we talked about how at birth parents must mourn the death of their dream child because now they have a real child who is a distinct personality and may not bring to reality all that they envisioned. I know I'm like everyone else and that my experiences won't be exactly like I imagine, but I have dearly loved so many children in my life, and I know I will love the Stranger despite the challenges I can't foresee today. That's an expectation I feel confident WILL be fulfilled.

I've been filling up my free time this break by reading birth stories and watching home-births on you tube, so that's filled up my dreams with birth as well (more on that later). Jonathan loves to sit by me with his hand on the bump and talk to the baby...he even does it in his sleep, which I love. I want to share this with him always, as much as I can.

In other pregnancy related news, I got maternity jeans for Christmas and I fLOVE them! They're the most comfortable things! I can still button all my normal pants, but they have begun to pinch. I've gained 9 pounds, which I am not carrying gracefully, but neither was I super slender before. (I blame Derek for encouraging me to cheat on the Master Cleanse last summer). Alas, it can't be helped now. :) I have to pee thousands of times a day despite Jonathan's maybe accurate belief that I don't drink enough water. We have Brown family jokes in regular circulation now about how every time I eat I'm "feeding" or "watering" the baby, and I love to say things like, "I don't even LIKE this cake, but the baby insisted," or "Can I have some of your cinnamon bears? Not for myself, but the baby has been asking for them." The baby also has a slightly deified position as a mystic presence; as in, "The baby told me you were going to react this way" or "I knew I shouldn't have done that. The baby warned me." I'm dying to find out if it's a boy or a girl. I wish winter semester were over already because that means I would have my masters AND be weeks away from birthing our adorable progeny. This is the time of times. Here's to 15 more weeks of winter, according to the BYU Academic calender. Yay!