The Open Carry Relationship Syndrome

I know there is a huge stigma attached to what I'm about to write about. But even if you don't agree with me, I hope that you can at least find some truth in the microcosm of interactions it represents.

I am a gun owner. This country won it's freedom largely because they owned and had guns. They knew this and thus the second amendment. Of course there are people who think that the right to bear arms is outdated and that our founding fathers wouldn't make the same amendment now. But if you read what they actually say in their personal comments you see that the reason they created the second amendment was that they believed that the final check and balance was us: the people. From personal experience, they knew how important it could be for the population to be armed. It speaks volumes that they would make sure that this was a part of the governments limitations.

Since then, things have changed drastically. People have relegated their personal safety more and more to the government. As a result, having a gun no longer feels like a necessity. People now cower in fear or awkwardness when they see a gun, even if it is worn by those who are payed to protect them. This reaction is, of course, irrational. Statistically speaking, we are all never in more danger than we are in a car. Imagine if people were as scared as they should be of cars! I could go on with this argument, but it is not the purpose of this post.

My friends and I have a tradition of going to Rancherito's for burritos after midnight on sunday...sort of an end of sabbath celebration! We often open carry our guns, as it is our right and privilege. As you can suppose, we get very interesting reactions. People usually gawk at us. They are usually a bit more apprehensive toward us than they would be an average group of men. Last night, we got more reactions than ever before. Some people behind us said, "What can you just carry guns around now?" Actually yes, it's never been illegal in the state of Utah. It's not just now, it's been since the first man who owned a gun settled here with is family and it hasn't changed. A girl said, "Oh...nevermind...thats a real gun! Now I'm scared..." Another group of guys whispered quietly to each other after pointing. Yet another raised his hands in mock fear.

All these interactions were quite amusing. They made me think of how fear works for us as people. People believe they're being rational when they are afraid. Unfortunately, these fearful states we find ourselves in often reek of ill-bred notions.

Neuroscience explains a lot of what we fear. Our brain is geared toward turning everyday things into things unnoticed. What has not harmed us in the past will not harm us in the future. So the more experience we have with things, the less we fear them, except in rare cases. This is the reason that so very few of us are more afraid of cars than guns. We drive on a daily basis while most of us might see a gun in real life once every two weeks and usually because we saw a policeman somewhere. As a result, we have a feeling of fear when we see a gun and don't even notice the precariousness of our situation as we drive on the two lane highway at 75 miles an hour. We are literally 4-6 feet from death. The process is desensitization. We are desensitized to cars and very sensitized to guns. Our brain does not find the ordinary interesting, thus our entertainment industry's need to continue their endless quest to push the limits of propriety.

This mechanism works awesomely for survival. If we merely want to survive then in a very real sense this animal instinct is the best suited instinct for our purpose. But to me we were never meant to solely survive; we were meant to flourish! And this instinct curtails flourishing. Flourishing is about learning the right lessons from the past, living in the present, and preparing for the future. When we allow our sensitization mechanism to rule what we are afraid of, we become slaves to our past. We don't see things as they are, we only see the reality that our mind has created for us. Flourishing is about seeing things as they really are, not as our warped experience here has defined them.

Bear with me. This sensitization has a devastating affect on progress, essential to flourishing. We see new things as universally strange and dangerous. We are only comfortable with what is normal to our every day experience. So we see that in relationships, people who had bad parents can become bad parents. People who have bad relationships choose bad relationships. Many people do not want to have bad relationships; they don't want to choose abuse or neglect. But we simply do not understand the depth of the problem. MOST of our decisions are based on what we are comfortable with. If you are comfortable with dysfunction, which we all are, then in order to progress you must fight against the mechanism that ignores what is normal and is fearful of what is new. This mechanism paints our current experience in the light of the past and disregards the uniqueness of the situation we are currently experiencing.

I'm interested in this because it nearly made me avoid the love of my life. The second time I took Rachel out, we went to gurus. Per usual, we had an insanely stimulating conversation. As we walked back to my car, I opened the door for her as I usually do with girls. As I started to drive, Rachel asked me why I open doors for girls. I attempted to explain that for me it is a sign of respect, I do it so that the girl knows I'm thinking about her, etc. Rachel explained to me, very politely, that she didn't like it when guys opened doors for her and expressed that she would rather I didn't open doors for her. I had a reaction. This was very abnormal for me, and I started thinking to myself, "She's one of those radical feminists! Well I can't date her...she obviously doesn't trust men. No matter how trustworthy I may be, she'll never trust me. Also, she might be a bad mother and she probably doesn't want children at all. She'll resent being a mother etc etc" Pretty crazy, right? That's fear for you. My mind paired up previous experiences, the usual very limited experiences, and started making assumptions from there. What was different was dangerous.

Luckily, I asked her out again and we had such a great time. As a result of this date, we went to (ironically) a conference on same-sex attraction and there I became smitten with her. The way she responded to truth shattered any previous doubts. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm going to do everything I can to be with this girl." And I did.

There were so many things about Rachel that made me scared, that were different from my previous experiences and that screamed at my sensitization/desensitization mechanism to run away. Gratefully, I was blessed with the right lessons from previous relationships once I had decided to go for it. I had learned from previous relationships that I purposefully needed to do the things that made me afraid in relationships. The things that made me feel safe in previous relationships were dysfunctional. I always needed to be the one in control and because of this I believe I purposely cared less in my previous relationships. I had learned that I needed to make sure I cared more, if I could. I always waited for others to take risks before. Once I was sure of their feelings I would then voice mine. How selfish I was! So I purposefully took risks with Rachel, I tried to disclose when it was appropriate, despite my fear. I found all of this very hard and very scary. But it has been the most rewarding experience of my life! How much I've changed in so little time. I would face any fear for Rachel.

If my courage was strong, Rachel's was legendary. Her previous experiences had made her very afraid of relationships in general. She had every reason to pair me up with bad experiences and fly away. We had some very hard moments because of our fears. I'm so happy to say that she faced those fears and didn't run. I was far from perfect and I didn't make her feel as safe as I could have, but she stuck around anyway. I love her for the courage she has shown!

So much of life is about facing fears. Even if you disagree with gun rights, I hope you understand what I meant. We usually don't take the time to question our personal, familial, or societal fears, we merely react to them. Most importantly, this stops us from having empathy for our fellow creatures. This seriously hinders our ability to flourish in our lives. I will be eternally thankful to God that I was able to overcome some of my irrational fears and have found a part of happiness. Only Racher!!!