The Unforseen

Sometimes in life, things happen that you could not have anticipated. This can be frustrating for the side of us that likes things to be planned out, predictable, and structured. We want to have control over our lives, over the way we feel and think. Unfortunately for that side of us, there are so many situations and experiences in life that we cannot understand until we have them. And for many of those experiences, we have to be willing to make sacrifices earlier to ever get the experience we seek.

I think this is my experience with love. We have our ideas about what love is, what love feels like. We imagine what true love would feel like. But you're never prepared for the feelings never before felt or experiences never before experienced.

I struggled in my life a lot to be the one who was in control in my relationships. I did this through a myriad of unhealthy habits. My favorite was to not show that I cared about the girl until I was sure of her feelings. Once she had taken all the risks of being vulnerable, then I would reciprocate feelings. I didn't realize why I did this, but I know now that it was my struggle to keep that part of my life predictable.

Several years ago I noticed this flaw in myself. I had these set of standards that I always attempted to adhere to. One of the most important was to love others before myself. While I generally have failed at this, I have tried. But in my relationships I hadn't attempted this in any real sense. All of my habits, unbeknownst to me, were actually calculated to put myself before the other person in the relationship. In retrospect, I don't think I believed that the risk was worth the cost. I always had an idea of what love would feel like but could never have anticipated how it would actually feel.

This caused me to not take risks when I should have. I withheld the best parts of me to protect myself. At the time I'm sure I had all sorts of fancy language to justify my actions. In the end it was just me being selfish.

So I started changing. Change was slow. Its hard to break life-long habits. I started taking risks in the relationships I was in. I made sure that they knew I liked them before they expressed it to me. Any of you who know me you know that it wasn't me being imprudent. I simply needed the experience of putting others in relationships before myself.

Being different was scary. For certain, I felt much more pain and loss as these relationships didn't end in success. At least not the way I saw it. It hurt to be rejected. This was the part that was easier for me to anticipate. I think I knew all along how it would hurt to put myself on a limb only to have it break.

As I took risks with people, I started to realize how different it was than I anticipated. I started feeling a sense of fulfillment that I had never felt before. I think it was the confidence at having tried my hardest. This sense of fulfillment out shined any rejection I felt. Trying my best is what made me happy. I loved this time in my life!

What I couldn't have foreseen was how I would actually feel when I finally got to the point in a relationship where the risks I took and the care I gave were reciprocated. The intensity of that love was something unknown and unknowable to my previous selves because they would never have risked themselves. It shattered my expectations of what love would feel like. It was simultaneously more beautiful and terrible than anything I could have imagined.

How amazing the risks we take in life! In order to feel in a way you've never felt, you have to take risks. You have to be willing to hurt. If I hadn't, I would never have felt as I feel now. Oh what a tragedy that would have been! This love that I'm still striving to understand and manage is the best thing in my life.

I hope I can continue to take risks with Rachel. I know that there is probably pain in our futures. But I'm confident that the love we can create will continually shatter our expectations of what love feels like. I believe that when you love someone as you should you cannot foresee its eventual intensity. I want to live right so that my love will be ever more intense.