Give said the little stream of consciousness (24 days)

Why does it always seem like summer is ending in the middle of July? It's only half over, but that downward slope is pretty steep. There are now 3 weekends left until we get married. That's it?! Really?! I had such aspirations of being the most laid-back, relajada bride, but this last week I've suddenly found myself with many reasons to freak out (some of these are directly related to how relaxed I've been, so there's some irony for you to chew on). I feel inept, incompetent, floundering in a sea of domestic duties, decisions I guess I should have been thinking about since childhood but somehow never gave a thought to, trying to plan a trip to a place I don't know at all, putting my sputtering energy into my internship, and dying with embarrassment because of Jonathan and his friends witnessing my bouts of anxiety that present with sullen despair and/or psychosis. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I usually am more emo than anxious. Anxiety always seemed to be a lot of hard work. It is. It's so somatic and so persistent. The worst part is that people are so good to me, so eager to help, so happy for me. I have friends crawling out of the woodwork who are helping me get things done and beaming with charming reassurances. I feel useless in their presence. My only contribution to anything is being somewhat wry and making people laugh. I did pick out the paint colors for our house (our HOUSE?!), warm tan, sea green and bright blue. If we have to live in Utah, I'll make the inside like a beach! I know those are immature colors and if I had any class or know-how or cultural awareness I would know how to decorate, but I. don't care. The latest and greatest sorrow gripping my heart is the leaving of the Commune. I've loved living here more than I can say. I love living with people dedicated to being passionate about everything and having intense conversations. I love that having fun is a top priority. I'm trying to convince Brian and Derek to defect and come live with us. I also miss Jonathan himself, in advance. I'm petrified of our relationship changing in bad ways. I realize it makes no sense at all to dump fear and curdling neurosis all over our current sweet, healthy relationship, but I've never had much sense. We went to Wyoming and Brian, Julia and I built a dam in the irrigation ditch. I read the entirety of Ina May's Guide to Childbirth and I'm passionate about birthing! I talk about it all the time although I have zero credibility. Not for long! I've been so happy that any kind of change seems loathsome to me. Jonathan asks me to marry him every day at random moments and then we pretend it's for the first time. I taught him how to swing me around after we run towards each other at a semi-distance. I wonder what we'll argue about once we get married. Up to this point, every one of our disagreements has to do with (1) my insecurities or (2) video games. I love Etsy and all the tiny, lovely things. I found a butterfly to wear in my hair. I didn't think I would do well with weaving details together for the wedding, but the ones I have come up with are sweet and feel like mine. I'm so glad for this. I'm trying to make a slideshow but practically no pictures exist of Jonathan. He's like the Loch Ness monster, photographed only occasionally and very ambiguously. He's always singing "Only Racher" songs and being endlessly kind and good. We love to tease each other. Laughing with Jonnerthan is the sweetest thing in the world. Second sweetest is how he carried Zacky up the mountain on his back...third sweetest is how we joke about "half our baby" and how he likes the name Amethyst, fourth sweetest is how I have bells ringing joyfully in my heart every time I look at him. He's too wonderful. This morning when I woke up on the edge of a dream I visualized the actual wedding part of the wedding, the saying yes and looking shyly at each other, and oh, I was so happy. Now I'm going upstairs to watch Seinfeld. Everylittlethingisgonnabeallright.