(Reflections on graduation and pregnancy)
Today is allegedly the first day of spring even though it was wearing its bare-bones November costume. All my dreams are on their way. There are only four weeks left of class and work--if you could hear all my neurons screeching as they fire and pop, they'd be shouting a jubilant YES!!!! and also FREEEEEEDOM!!!!! Braveheart style. At the beginning of January I couldn't see how I was possibly going to make it through another semester, so weary was I of school and the numb, dreary world. I'm so glad to have the worst of winter behind me, and now that the days are fairer, I'm almost giddy with delight that the end is so pleasingly nigh. All things considered, it really has been fantastic. BYU started to taste stale to me around 2005, and being yanked back from ASU was devastating, but I've loved my cohort and I've had some amazing experiences. My internship at Vantage Point has been exactly what I was hoping for--Spanish clients, a brilliant supervisor, room for creative expression, camraderie with staff, variety, notoriety. :) I felt stretched and dunked in overwhelmedness often enough to help me examine the places where I'm weak, but Good has come from my works and my words—-ill too, but the good has existed, has stilled the air, has lasted in some cases. I'm so thankful to know that!
I remember when I graduated with my bachelor's I felt endlessly light, all the burdens associated with projects papers deadlines "memorize 9 numbers and deny we have a soul" had floated away. It was a glorious feeling to be finished. And then a few weeks later I started missing school. It was the safe branch I always returned to rest on at night, it was my lifestyle, my unfinished student-ness has defined me for a long time. It will be interesting to see what happens now, being done (probably, maybe?) forever. After graduation, I'll have the last 5-7 most "carefree" weeks of my life, with no school, work, or baby.
I remember when I graduated with my bachelor's I felt endlessly light, all the burdens associated with projects papers deadlines "memorize 9 numbers and deny we have a soul" had floated away. It was a glorious feeling to be finished. And then a few weeks later I started missing school. It was the safe branch I always returned to rest on at night, it was my lifestyle, my unfinished student-ness has defined me for a long time. It will be interesting to see what happens now, being done (probably, maybe?) forever. After graduation, I'll have the last 5-7 most "carefree" weeks of my life, with no school, work, or baby.
Right now, there are 10 to 13 weeks left until the Little Stranger decides he wants out of the fishbowl (I imagine it like the scene where Ponyo bursts out of her aquarium). Most of the time I think about being able to hold him and can't wait for him to come--other days I'm a little nervous about how drastically the shape of our lives will change and I want more time to think about it and stay here in the neverland we have together. There are so many things you can't ever really be "ready" for--and despite all the bits of wisdom and experience everyone offers you clotted together in a cup, no one can know what living it will be like for you. I feel this mystery/adventure swelling up before me with flickers of sorrow and joy, and it's so intruiging to have it right in front of me but not to have stepped into it yet. I keep thinking about the verses of Vienna Teng's "Shasta:"
"you put your hand to the belly that's foreign more with every day like an oversize load...but then again maybe this life is like a sleeping mountain/waking up to shape the land..." That's how it feels.
The other day we were in Walmart and I pressed my hand to my stomach in response to some powerful kicks, and to my surprise I could feel the top and bottom of what I determined to be a little foot. "He has FEET!" I cried in adoration. I know these tiny discoveries have been made over and over in awe for centuries, but this is my first time with my baby, my body. It is wonderful, it is tremendous. I keep thinking, how am I allowed to make a human? I can't even cook, but I (we) made a little human being. I LOVE LOVE feeling him move around! He's big enough now that the outside of my belly shakes with his motion. It makes me so happy when Jonathan can feel it too. He always says, "Good baby...I love you, baby!" On Sunday I was getting ready with my mother and sister and the little guy was joyously bounding around.
I said, "Sometimes I feel like he is going to walk right out the side!" and my mother told me, "You'll miss that once he's born." She said she always felt a little lonely once the baby was on the outside, and that she "missed her little friend"--that the unborn baby was a companion she would always have with her. I'd never heard anyone describe it that way before, and I thought it was so sweet! It reminded me to treasure these weeks I have left; even if I do get really uncomfortable towards the end--this has got to be the easiest part, at least emotionally.
With the exception of a painful Friday last week (I think I was on my feet too much, making dinner for Dit's party, and I had some dizziness and swelling I hadn't felt before), I have been feeling so good, normal and strong. I sleep beautifully, except when Jonny sneaks off to play Starcraft. I was joking with my classmates that I have reverse body dysmorphic disorder; I always forget how huge I am until I look in a mirror or see my reflection somewhere; it's bizarre that this enormous abdomen is attached to me. It's not the way I see myself in my mind. I Might Be a Giant. Jonathan is always so sweet with me and tells me I'm beautiful all the time. Because I am vanidosa, I never believe him and struggle to accept those kind words graciously. He says he's MORE attracted to me the more pregnant I get--which again, I find suspicious, but I can't lie that having his face light up whenever I come in the room, and having him greet both me and the Little Stranger bump with kisses, makes me feel so loved and appreciated.
Besides becoming ever more corpulent, I have the shallowest dip remaining of my belly button (I showed it to Cow and she said it made her feel "woozy"--haha!), some stretch marks that look like scars from a lion mauling (not on my stomach, though), and an increasing frustration with sitting in desks in the late afternoon. Sometimes if I eat too much it's a little hard to breathe, and it seems like I have to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes, but I'll gladly take that over what some women go through!
I went to see my midwife on Monday and she told me the Little Stranger is perfectly positioned, he just needs to engage in the next few weeks. I was surprised that I'd only gained 3 lbs last month...sounds good to me! My father told me yesterday that he'd love to come up and do the baby's first checkup. (My father has been surprisingly supportive of our homebirth plans.) Oh, that meant so much to me! It melted my heart! Whenever I think about my family interacting with my son I feel so happy. Last night we were planning our trip to Mexico this summer, and since our van is overfull as usual (that's part of the magic) we made a seating chart that included a place for our little Stranger. There is so much to look forward to!
"you put your hand to the belly that's foreign more with every day like an oversize load...but then again maybe this life is like a sleeping mountain/waking up to shape the land..." That's how it feels.
The other day we were in Walmart and I pressed my hand to my stomach in response to some powerful kicks, and to my surprise I could feel the top and bottom of what I determined to be a little foot. "He has FEET!" I cried in adoration. I know these tiny discoveries have been made over and over in awe for centuries, but this is my first time with my baby, my body. It is wonderful, it is tremendous. I keep thinking, how am I allowed to make a human? I can't even cook, but I (we) made a little human being. I LOVE LOVE feeling him move around! He's big enough now that the outside of my belly shakes with his motion. It makes me so happy when Jonathan can feel it too. He always says, "Good baby...I love you, baby!" On Sunday I was getting ready with my mother and sister and the little guy was joyously bounding around.
I said, "Sometimes I feel like he is going to walk right out the side!" and my mother told me, "You'll miss that once he's born." She said she always felt a little lonely once the baby was on the outside, and that she "missed her little friend"--that the unborn baby was a companion she would always have with her. I'd never heard anyone describe it that way before, and I thought it was so sweet! It reminded me to treasure these weeks I have left; even if I do get really uncomfortable towards the end--this has got to be the easiest part, at least emotionally.
With the exception of a painful Friday last week (I think I was on my feet too much, making dinner for Dit's party, and I had some dizziness and swelling I hadn't felt before), I have been feeling so good, normal and strong. I sleep beautifully, except when Jonny sneaks off to play Starcraft. I was joking with my classmates that I have reverse body dysmorphic disorder; I always forget how huge I am until I look in a mirror or see my reflection somewhere; it's bizarre that this enormous abdomen is attached to me. It's not the way I see myself in my mind. I Might Be a Giant. Jonathan is always so sweet with me and tells me I'm beautiful all the time. Because I am vanidosa, I never believe him and struggle to accept those kind words graciously. He says he's MORE attracted to me the more pregnant I get--which again, I find suspicious, but I can't lie that having his face light up whenever I come in the room, and having him greet both me and the Little Stranger bump with kisses, makes me feel so loved and appreciated.
Besides becoming ever more corpulent, I have the shallowest dip remaining of my belly button (I showed it to Cow and she said it made her feel "woozy"--haha!), some stretch marks that look like scars from a lion mauling (not on my stomach, though), and an increasing frustration with sitting in desks in the late afternoon. Sometimes if I eat too much it's a little hard to breathe, and it seems like I have to go to the bathroom every 20 minutes, but I'll gladly take that over what some women go through!
I went to see my midwife on Monday and she told me the Little Stranger is perfectly positioned, he just needs to engage in the next few weeks. I was surprised that I'd only gained 3 lbs last month...sounds good to me! My father told me yesterday that he'd love to come up and do the baby's first checkup. (My father has been surprisingly supportive of our homebirth plans.) Oh, that meant so much to me! It melted my heart! Whenever I think about my family interacting with my son I feel so happy. Last night we were planning our trip to Mexico this summer, and since our van is overfull as usual (that's part of the magic) we made a seating chart that included a place for our little Stranger. There is so much to look forward to!
These are from 27 weeks:
And here we are today at 29 weeks, at 1:30 AM and ready for bed. :) 
1 comment:
Rachel, you little cutie! I love how you write. I'm glad you wrote what your mom said because it was really cute to me too. I can't wait to meet baby. "sneak" huh? I never sneak. I love how you said you're getting more corpulent! Please keep writing with your wonderful words!
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