Postpartum Potpourri

It’s absolutely amazing how much time has shifted and melted away since we had our milky buddy. These are a few sketchy memories of the first weeks before I forget them forever (everything is changing all the time):

**The first solid week I was verily reeling from birth high and existed in a very sweet high energy state of mania. Besides the agony of my stitches and the new bizarre inconvenience of using the bathroom, I felt fantastic! I remember barely sleeping for several nights (even when the buddy WAS sleeping) and having the thought, “This is fine! I don’t even need sleep! I’m not even tired!” even though Jonathan was crashing. It took me a long time to come back down but of course I did eventually succumb to fatigue. Sometimes I get so tired I tell Jonathan that I have a "white brain" (like a broken screen) and not to listen to me as most of the conclusions I arrive at in that state are veritably insane.

**Speaking of stitches. Of course no one talks about that for obvious reasons but that's really been kind of miserable. I think I may be mutilated and ruined forever. Maybe a good reason to complete your first year of marriage before having a baby after all. I can definitely see why women get depressed--you are sapped of energy when you need more energy than you ever have before, and on top of the exhaustion your body is partially destroyed. That is tough for anyone to deal with.

**I feel like I can't make a statement beginning "My baby is--" because his habits and ways change all the time. He barely cried the first week and now he typically has a few hours of being "infected with rage" in the evening when he gets exhausted and becomes indignant that he has to sleep (this is according to our best educated guess).

**Nothing ever works twice. It's a fun little dance trying to figure out the right combination of sounds, songs, vibration, white noise, touch, etc will finally work the magic and let out little buddy sleep. This can be tough sometimes but I think it's so good for us to go through it together. It makes us closer, it makes us love our sweet one even more when we work hard for him.

**I love how he smells and how holding him melts my heart. I would do absolutely anything for him.

**As I remember from when my mother was having babies, one of the most fun things about having a new little one is all the nicknames and songs that are born along with the baby--you can't plan them out beforehand, they spring into being while you are rocking or nursing. I like to call Chai my "wakeful flea" (from the Napping House) whenever he is awake. I also call him Little Lion Man, the milky buddy, Chai-li, Chai-love-you, Tiny Wee Boo, and lots of other names that are even more embarrassing. We also sing to honor our wee babe. I like replacing the word "I" in songs with "Chai," (ex--"Uh-oh, Chai wants some more, uh-oh, what are you waiting for?) and Jonathan extols our baby's virtues with a variety of kindly, if repetitive, rhymes (he knows what I mean.).

**For the first few days I kept marveling at the baby and if I looked at him long enough I would start to cry. I was so sensitive it was like I had all my skin peeled off. I still can’t believe he is real, that he is part of us, and that he wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for us. The first few days, although they felt so good, were also terribly heavy. I felt a desperate love for my baby, I also felt a little afraid of him. He seemed so fragile and otherworldly. I didn’t and still don’t feel completely capacitada to take care of him. When I thought of him growing older and all that would be required of us, I felt so overwhelmed.

**At around 10 PM every night (I started referring to it as the "witching hour") my mind started pelting me with thoughts of the suffering of all the children of the world. It was immense and consuming! I hurt and ached for those who are not wanted, who suffer cruelty starvation abandonment, lack of love and hideous abuse. I would think, they are out there tonight and always. I thought of all the babies I had known or read about who were injured and unloved and all the others who have endured similar pain. I wept and wept and told Jonny I wanted to collect those babies and bring them home and just hold them and cry with them. I would look at my own baby and feel so helpless, I thought about someone hurting him and his innocent pain and confusion and it hurt so much I wanted to die. I was so upset that I couldn't do anything for those babies. I pray for them. I beg God takes the edge off their wretchedness. I love them and I love my sweet son, I know I can’t protect him from everything, but I will keep him safe as much as I can and try to give him the skills he needs to be resilient when I can’t protect him anymore.

**I LOVED and felt so much better better when visitors came—especially my mother—and held Chai, I could relax, it placed all these wild and powerful feelings into a normal box, I would think, lots of people have done this…I can do this…having my mother take care of him with me is such an enormous comfort. I trust her so much. She has such a lovely soft voice and mad skillz when it comes to taking care of babies. She was not able to come stay with me right after Chai was born, but she brought my little brothers and stayed for a couple of weekends and it made such a difference. It made me feel safe, like I could pretend to be a little girl for a minute longer and be taken care of.

**No one appreciates their mother enough. Even though my eyes have been opened wider to my own mother's sacrifice, I know I still don't get it. I keep looking at the people around me and thinking, SOMEONE BIRTHED YOU...and that is a BIG DEAL! I'm ashamed for all the times I've rolled my eyes at my mom or sassed her or been annoyed at her. There's no way to repay all of it, it's just a gift like the Atonement you have to accept humbly and then try not to be a rotten person. But I am in awe of it all. Women are so strong, and it is so wrong when they and the world do not realize it.

**My family is obsessed with Chai, and that makes me so happy. My parents argue over who gets to hold him. My little brother Tanner, who as the youngest never got to welcome a new baby home, loves to hold him quietly on the couch and when someone else has the baby, Tan will sidle up to them and hold the baby's hand. My sisters are so good and helpful and fascinated by him. I love how having him around generates such good feelings. He is a blessing and harbinger of peace.

**One thing that surprised me is the trouble I have sleeping near my little boo because of all the noises he makes. He doesn't cry all that often; he usually wakes up about twice a night to eat, but he is a NOISY sleeper! He grunts and shuffles and snorts and whimpers out in his sleep and I cling to a fuzzy edge of consciousness, sure he is about to awaken. I've lost entire hours of sleep that way, but I'm not ready to put him in another room yet. He's too little to be all alone.

**I can fade completely out when Chai is in Jonathan’s arms. I have rarely seen anyone be so gentle and respectful of a baby…he sings and calms Chai down and places his hands on either side of Chai’s head when he gets scared “to let him know he’s not alone.” It’s so beautiful to see. Jonathan tells me things like “I can’t stop kissing him…I’m biologically programmed to kiss him!” and “He’s so beautiful! Isn’t baby wonderful?” Jonathan sleeps hard and is not affected by Chai's gyring and gymbaling in the night. Around 6 or 7 I wake him up (Jonny) and kindly invite him to change Chai's "good morning diaper." For some reason Chai prefers Jonathan to change his diapers and is aways sweetly content when he does it. I think he loves his father as much as he can love anyone right now. He calms down when Jonathan sings to him and holds him. I love it although I will admit it makes me a little jealous. I just want my baby to like me, too. Sometimes I tell Jonathan that he is the cloth mother and I am the wire mother in Harlow's study. :)

**We've gotten in the habit of praising our little guy for the contents of his diapers, for burping, for spitting up, etc. We say, GOOD JOB! I bet that felt so nice for your tummy! or This is a GREAT DIAPER! Good work babe! :) I know it doesn't take conscious effort on his part, but I think it's nice to compliment him for doing what is developmentally appropriate and it's more fun to do everything when we're really positive about it.

**We’ve been coping with our lifestyle change by going to bed around two or three. Everyone thinks this is insane, but for the moment it’s working for us. We watch something together and pass out, and he always wakes up twice—once around 4-5 and once around 6-7. He is great at nursing lying down which is a BLESSING!

**I love feeding my little one. I heard so many horrible and grotesque stories about nursing and was prepared to be a brave solider, but so far it's working out great for us. Chai is a skillful latcher and thanks to the placenta pills I got milk within 36 hours and abundantamente. I kept waiting for it to be painful, but maybe thanks to Chai's fantastically huge lips it really hasn't been. He's so cute and dear when he nurses, and I love the sweet feelings I have for him when I get to feed him. I feel so protective and loving towards him. I'm still marveling that this is ME doing this--it was always something everyone else did, never me, never my body. It's an amazing gift! and it seems like Chai gains weight every time I feed him, perhaps I am a stealth producer of chocolate milk? I keep thinking of the line from an old book we had about the 3 Billy Goats Gruff; they declared they wanted to cross the bridge "to eat and eat and eat and grow fat." That seems to be Chai-li's mission in life as well.

**My favorite thing in the world right now is having my baby sleep on my chest. It's so beautiful.

**We took Chai to the health department to do his PKU, and it was an AWFUL experience. The lady kept squeezing and squeezing his poor little foot and no blood was coming out. Chai was screaming this awful, bewildered wail and I felt like we were betraying him, and I couldn't explain to him why. Jonathan and I both had tears in our eyes. She ended up having to do the test over again in the other foot. It was ugly. I'm really glad we made the decision not to circumcise him, I can't imagine putting a baby through all that pain for purely cosmetic reasons.

**I feel more faithful since my son was born. I don't claim to know the heart of God, but I feel I have the better idea of the pain and wisdom that lay inside it. We took Chai to church at our Spanish word on his first Sunday because they had just split the branch and we wanted to be there to get all the new info. I walked in so carefully holding my sleeping babe and the opening hymn was "The Spirit of God." Everyone was singing "Cantemos, gritemos" as I walked up the aisle and it touched me so much, that old flickering flame of joy, knowing and being beloved of the Savior. I had tears running down my face and it felt so good. Chai has been so good for me in this way; shifting aside my cynicism. I'm remembering all the good that has come to my life because of the gospel.

**I want to have all my babies in the summer. I love looking outside at the golden glow. I remember the first time I emerged from the house a few days after Chai was born. I crept tentatively out the door and stood on the driveway with Jonathan holding Chai, I just felt the warmth wash over me and it made me feel so alive and deliciously happy. And when things get tough I shiver to imagine how hard it would be in the bleak midwinter. This is a good time of year to have these experiences.

**I've had some rough moments. They are difficult to reconcile because I never want to feel ungrateful for having such a beautiful, healthy boy who really is pretty easy to care for. But I feel them through to the end and then they are drowned out in a swarm of goodness. Engorgement combined with pain from my stitches created some low moments. We tried to go out to dinner one night and it was a colossal failure. I was so disappointed because Jonathan had wanted to do something nice for me and I felt his disappointment stacked on top of my own. Another night I was walking around with Chai and all I wanted to do was lay down and cuddle with my husband and I thought, "I'm never going to be able to do that again," and I cried. Then I think a half hour later I was right where I wanted to be. Haha. Nothing stays too hard for too long.

**Oh, how I adore my peque, and oh yes, life is different, but it is good for me, and even though I feel overwhelmed sometimes, there is a beauty about the new seriousness of this task. I’m still me and I still love making people laugh and doing all the things I did before, but what I do for Chai is better and greater. It’s a pure work although I know I can’t do it as well as I would like.

**One more thing—it’s a glorious thing to have a child with someone you love. It’s letting part of them exist forever through that new person, and what a glorious ability to create something that’s half of them. I love my little boy more because he is part of Jonathan. He is so beautiful, he breaks my heart, and I'm so glad and grateful for all of this!