My Birthing Warrior

I knew that having a child would change my life, but honestly I had never given much thought to the what the birth would mean to me. In fact, I always just had the idea that we would go to the hospital and the doctors would take care of it and I'd probably just hold Rachel's hand. Luckily I married an amazing girl who had thought about it much more than I had. I want to share something I wrote in my journal. I really wasn't prepared for what that experience would mean for me, partly because I never really considered that I would really have much of an active part in it. Given, Rachel did all of the work! But I got to observe her and support her when I could.

Here it is:

Jonathan Chai was born on 6/7/11! He is such a cutie. He has my lips and it's really sweet. He is a beautiful, mostly calm boy. I'm really writing to write about Rachel's home birth...It was so amazing! Her water broke at about 11 am. She called me to let me know. It was so exciting . I was at work correcting papers. Then she called me again around 4:30 and wanted me to come be with her, she had begun laboring. So I came home and watched her start to have contractions. It was so sweet and lovely! Soon enough laurel, wendy and laura were all at our house talking to rachel and affirming her. We had to wait for the contractions to get closer together so it quieted down and everyone went home. Rachel knelt by the couch and I put on a movie, which i really didn't watch, and gave her soft touch massage while she had contractions. at around 1200 we called the midwife and she came back. Then at around 130 rachel told me to call the girls. They all showed up! They were so affirming to Rachel. Rachel did this awesome birthsong that sounded somewhat like a whale call during each contraction! It was hypnotizing. I loved it! It was really cute. And everyone in the room seemed to follow it. It was mesmerizing. She labored through the night and then at about 4:00 she was at a 9! OH also, earlier on the baby had been posterior but the midwife had her do some lunges and other positions and then he flipped!

At this time Rachel got into the pool and started having almost non-stop contractions. I remember looking at her so calm in the pool, but yet in such pain. She has never appeared so beautiful to me, not ever! I was amazed! She looked infinitely strong and I suddenly had not a doubt that she could do this and do it well! She began pushing at about 450 AM and I was stunned! It was one of the most powerful things I've ever witnessed. She would let out these great powerful roar/bellows that made me want to flex my muscles and pretend I had power. It was intense! I was so proud of her and so much in awe of her. It is strange, but I think that I learned a lot about womanhood. I respect Rachel in a completely new way. I'm in awe of her in a way that I wasn't before. And I love her in a way that is new. She amazed me, and I will never be the same. I couldn't help but think about how much taking the significance out of birth from women (or making birth a medical phenomenon) takes them away from the power that is rightfully theirs. I could never think of Rachel as weak after that. She so obviously wasn't! She had done something so amazing, so magical, and she had done it herself. She had so much support, as she should have. But it was HER birth.

I wonder that maybe man was able to look at the female sex as weaker and "fairer" because they (men) weren't allowed to be involved with birth. If they had seen what I had seen, they could not consider women weak. I feel like every woman in the world should know of her power, a power I shall never have. It is rightfully theirs. It brings me sadness when people perceive that being powerful is to be more like a man. Clearly they have not seen what I have seen, or they would know there is no need for this, they have a power just as powerful inside of them. It isn't about being like someone or some group of people. This is something women are capable of. It is theirs! It belongs to them! Why we gave it wholly up to men, of all people, is beyond me. They are the people least likely to understand it as they couldn't possibly experience it themselves. The fact that anybody would ever allow shame to be associated with pregnancy and birth is beyond me! How could they! It should be a grand celebration of life and creation. It was a beautifully triumphant experience. I felt like everything was alive! For that moment I was untouched by decay. I am absolutely in awe!

It is amazing how some experiences change you. This was one of them. I feel so close to Rachel. It was a beautiful end to the sexual cycle. I told Rachel that its part of the cycle of just meeting her, and everything we have been through together! It is beautiful. It's crazy to think that for Chai to be created things needed to happen just as they did. If they hadn't, he probably would have been made out of some other different swimmer and some other different egg. Chai is the product of a wonderful relationship and a wonderful experience.

OK that was all I want to share from the journal, but I want to close with this:

When I saw my son for the first time, his eyes looked so interested. He cried for just a little bit and then started looking around! He was put directly into Rachels arms and she had the most beautiful, overwhelmed expression on her face as she was crying! There is a picture of it and it warms my heart every time I see it. But he was a beautiful boy. He just looked around and was so quiet. I felt like we had done something amazing, though admittedly it was mostly only racher. We were a family suddenly! I was very suddenly a father. It was crazy. Rachel and I were going to take care of little Chai. Wow...It was wonderful! It was beautiful and peaceful. I am so thankful to Rachel and EVERYONE, the many, who supported her directly or indirectly with the birth. It was the experience of a lifetime!