Sunday, September 9, 2012

Honey Chai (15 months)

La-la la-la, la-la la-la, Lolly's world...
La-la la-la, la-la la-la, Lolly's world! (Lolly's world!)
 Lolly loves his mommy....

His daddy too...
That's Lolly's world!
I need to write much, much more often about my darling boy, since he morphs into a different darling boy all the time.
This is the new and improved co-sleeping arrangement (since spring 2012). I LOVE it! Chai goes to sleep in the modified crib and Jonny and I  get to do all the snuggling, stretching etc we want with all that lovely space, but he is still close enough I can touch him and hear him breathe. It is so comforting to fall asleep with my dear boys. Most of the time in the early morning hours Chai creeps over to our bed and drapes himself on or between our bodies, and I love that, too. It's so sweet to have him nearby. I know it doesn't appeal to everyone but I love, love the  proximity, especially since it's so fleeting.

Chai gets clever and tries to get outside on his own. Unfortunately the box he used to boost himself up to the doorknob also prevented the door from opening. Better luck next time little man! He was so proud of himself, though!
My goon always has designs to get outside. He loves being taken for walks (as long as he's in charge of where we go) and he would be the perfect puppy because he's always going to the door and begging to be let out. "Go-go-go!" or just "Shoos!"

Chai LOVES phones. He pants in excitement when he sees one. In addition to actual phones, he uses remotes, hairbrushes, tech parts, etc as phones and will pick them up and say "Hi...hi...hi..." unless someone is actually on the other line, in which case he will just breathe heavily. My little creeper. 

We always joke that he is very important and has to take a lot of business calls. Look how harried he is here. Hilarious. 
Chai has words! He says ‘dof’ (soft)—which he says while stroking our faces—“dog,” “Doug,” “Kee” for both kitty and kiss, “num-num” when he wants to eat, "bah!" for bath. Of course he says “Mem! Mem! Mem!” and “Maaaaaama!” and “Ded-ded.” He asks for “slow, slow, faster, faster” by kicking and demanding “Doh!” Sometimes he repeats the animals sounds in some of his books, like baa or “klopp.” He can also say “No,” but more often he solemnly shakes his head, which is so charming. He likes to walk up to strangers, stare at them and say “Hi. Hi.” He will bring us books and climb into our laps while we read. His favorites are any books with animal noises or "furry" pieces he can touch. He loves "Mr Brown Can Moo" and often repeats the sounds softly after me. "Pop...pop..." He is delicious.
. You've probably seen my fb posts lamenting Chai's irreligious ways that have affected our Sundays a lot. The social experience entirely overwhelms him and just the sight of a room full of people causes him to clap his hands and scream with delight. We spend our Sundays in the foyer and wandering around the church. Here we are playing behind the stage.

As his adoring mother, it pains me to admit that although Chai is loved intensely by many, many adults in his life, he doesn't really have any little friends. Augh! It's so sad! Not because of any lack of friendliness or sociability; but because his exuberance can be a little overwhelming. Chai LOVES other children and often screams in delight when he finds himself in a room with other little kids (he gets so excited at postpartum group!), he wants to pull children his own size or slightly smaller onto his lap, and give hugs and kisses with wild abandon. The other day he saw a little girl about his age in Cafe Rio, shrieked with joy and seized her in his arms. Of course she was horrified and started bawling. Poor Chai gets so bewildered when other kids react this way, he just wants to love them, but needs to learn to love more gently and perhaps learn to ask permission before touching others. I love his friendliness and his interest in people, and I hope the reactions of others never shame him into losing that part of himself. 

Here he is reaching out to his cousin Akane. What a grump. :)
That's a little better, but you can tell she is still spurning his advances. 

My goon loves animals and is learning to be "soft" with them. We went to the petting zoo and he tried to climb over all the fences. He is enamored with our kitties (unfortunately they don't share his regard). Every morning he asks for the "kees" and when we let them upstairs he chases them around

Chai would that all members of the party would stay in the room. He shrieks and waddles after us (also Mary and Laurel) if we get up to go anywhere. He also recognizes the signs of either me or Jonny leaving for work—me when I put on my bag, Jon when he puts on his hat—and starts to wail “Go, go!” or “Bye bye!” and he cries when we walk out the door, but soon recovers. It’s hard to resist running back to snuggle him more, he is so squishy.

 These pictures totally encapsulate how this summer felt to me. I love my sweet watermelon boy. After I climbed out of my pit of despair, we fell in love again harder than ever and had adventure after adventure. I love these "little" days and when I am mindful and remember to be present, I can't really believe he is mine. There are so many glorious moments with my little boy's innocent excitement and a lovely world I can see through his pure eyes. I love how he will laugh when I make faces at him, how he explores his autonomy through myriad choices. He is wonderful to me in every way, and he is such good company.

I love how thickly Chai sleeps and how sweaty his head gets. He leaves big wet patches on the sheets with his sweaty goon head. I love how much he loves to make eye contact and shake and nod his head with me. 

He is learning to dance…when I sing or put on music he bends his knees and bobs up and down and sometimes mutters “Da…da…” He has no rhythm just like his mama and daddy. I LOVE to watch him dance and I love when he responds to certain songs, like “Wendy.” I love his wild energy and how sometime he gets so happy that he screams, and how he goes “Pshhh…pssss…tssss” to himself and plays with his voice “Mem, mam, mom, moi, murrr…” His favorite thing is to go outside and explore and he is always leaning towards the door and begging “Go-go! Go-go-go!” He loves to somberly and deliberately give kisses on the mouth, usually alternating between me and Jonny, and usually 3 or 4 at a time. I’ve been thinking lately how despite the busy-ness, life really is pretty easy with just our Chai. I love taking him places and cuddling with him and having a little friend everywhere I go. I wish he slept through the night, but I also love how he usually ends up next to me with our bodies touching somehow and how sweet it is to wake up with him stroking my face and saying “Doff…doff…” (Soft).

Scarlet and Chai. Just trying to plan ahead for the wedding slideshow. If they get married, their child will bring balance to the Force.

Chai is lucky to have my little brothers as his tios! They are obsessed with him and take such good care of him. When we go to Ogden, Chai is treated like a king and everyone wants time with him. Sometimes Jonny and I don't see him for hours...and lately in Ogden Chai is kind of too cool for school and gets annoyed if we interrupt his hanging out with his friends.

Chai “feels handsome” when he is dressed in new clothes. He runs his hands over his body, admires himself, and struts around. Sometimes he will bring us clothes and attempt to put them on himself. He enjoys getting dressed and being accessorized. 

Chai gets a kick out of doing anything that we also do. He loves to pretend to brush our teeth and often offers us the food he is drinking or a sip of his bottle.

Whenever Jonathan and I are cuddling, kissing, embracing passionately, etc. Chai wails and demands that we stop and pay attention to him…every…single…time. If we’re close to the ground he will worm his way between us. It’s so symbolic. 

This is what’s on my mind--I need to write down every sweet detail of my little Chai because my days alone with him are numbered. I can feel the little girl thumping around in my belly and I gently press back to tell her hello…I’m still feeling the trepidation and anguish of every itchy girl-issue I have crawling under my skin, but most of the time I am calm and confident. This last month or so, I have LOVED this pregnancy. I feel incredible, I have so much energy, I love the way I look and feel, so powerful. I want to write to both of them, let them know how precious they are and how small we all are together, how simple and fresh our days will be for awhile before they discover the betrayal of the world and much later feel the weight of their privilege and the sorrow that comes with that.

Saturday, September 8, 2012


Recently we went to discover the sex of our baby.  I didn't really mind waiting, but mah Racherr got really manic about finding out.  We went up to sandy to Fetal Portraits.  The man was so nice and invited us in.  It was different this time.  I don't know if his machine was better or what, but I could see so much more than I did with chai.  When we first saw the baby's profile I thought that it looked like a girl.  I was really very excited!  I wanted a girl really bad, despite racherr's discomfort at the idea of having a girl.  The doctor finally told us that we'd be having a girl.  I was elated.  It felt so strange mostly because I actually didn't know I was going to react the way I did.  I thought of a little girl not unlike young racherr....and it seems insanely sweet to me!  Rachel often recounts situations of her childhood and it makes me adore her.  I hope our daughter will be similar.  On the way out of the office though, Rachel was very worried.  For her there was a lot of of pain about being a girl.  While I can't fully appreciate what that must have been like, I feel for her.  I share a lot of Rachel's fears and worries.  There is just a lot of good evidence on the dangers of being a girl.  I hate sexual assault and rape statistics.  I hate that she could possibly feel like she is less than anybody.  I hate that she'll worry about being pretty.  I tried to comfort Rachel and told her that we would raise our daughter with light and freedom.  I really believe if we can just teach our children that they are free, then they can do anything that they would like.  If we can teach our children that no one is better/more worthwhile than anyone else then maybe they will believe it.  I want our daughter to be confident.  I hope that I don't set any hurtful expectations for her.  I hope that I can be a good example of love in her life.