Monday, September 27, 2010

I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now (Sealing)

I need to write about this before time sweeps it farther away, this jewel of memory, this most precious day. Since the floods came up in our basement this summer and destroyed a few of my journals and other dear things I've been bitter about chronically anything in my life, but I need to get better!

The day we got married was absolutely glorious, (which thing was foretold, and which I never ever believed) and it felt just like a door opening. Melanie and Pidwerbecki stayed the night with me and got up in the gray dawn to drive to American Fork. On the way I asked if we could talk about good memories, the times we had been most happy. I kept peering out the window and thinking, I'll never see these things again the same way! It was SO silly. I think the trauma the day before the wedding (being dragged into busy lanes of traffic by the kind man who was towing me, not realizing that my steering wheel was locked) made me more innocent, relieved and humble about everything. I had the squirmy, sickish first-day-of-school feeling in my belly until I stepped into the temple, with tall shoes and tall hair, and my hands were in my beloved's.

And, Oh my love! My darling! Once I was with him I just felt confident and joyous. We re-read "The Waning of Belonging" the day before and I kept thinking, "i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)." We couldn't stop beaming at each other. Jonathan saves his sweetest self for me. I was so happy! It sounds cliche but I did feel like I was floating. I floated around all the other preening brides in the dressing room. I floated around the temple workers who wanted to cut the braided thread out of my hair (oh please!). I floated around that which was less than welcome and all of my anxiety stress doubt floated away, out the windows of the crystal palace and all that remained with me was an open heart.

I remember tottering into the room, clutching Jonathan's hand. There were so many faces in there that I love! My sweet family, my mission president and his wife, my lovely companions (Wells--who counts as a companion--Pidwerbecki and Hna. Katie Christine), dear Celeste, Calie (and it was so sweet to see her in the temple since we were children together!) Hollie and Mario who got there first, my grandparents and aunts and uncles, my beautiful cousin Debbie and her parents and brothers, the Urban Tribe, the people who were seconds away from being my in-laws. And with the morn, those angel faces smile, which I have loved long since and lost awhile!

Our sealing made me feel so visible to God. I had so many fears and so much heartache about this part. I prayed my guts out that it wouldn't be for once a compelling to humiliation, but that it would be lovely and empowering. The first delightful thing that happened was that the man who came up to me in the hall and asked, "Is this the right guy?" was Joseph F. McConkie, son of Bruce R. and more significantly, author of this magnificent discurso that altered the course of my mission and made Hermana Morena a true messenger. I was so amazed! I'd had no idea he was even a sealer, let alone at that particular temple, and to be sealed by a man whose words had so deeply impacted my life and made me a more powerful missionary was SUCH AN INCREDIBLE BLESSING!!! I was so grateful I felt dazed. The second amazing thing was that the words he spoke before he married us were ineffably profound, poignant, and personal. It was exactly the candor and "style," if that word doesn't sound vulgar in this context, that fit us and rang deep into our hearts. I can't speak for Jonathan I guess, but I felt called up to be my best self, to follow Christ and to honor my family and my husband in a way that made me feel absolutely free, adored, and powerful. This may not be significant to all, but his mentioning Heavenly Mother and "your heavenly parents" and saying, "The God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob--and of Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel--" meant everything to me. I knew Jonathan was happy and relieved. We kept squeezing each other's hands whenever Brother McConkie said something particularly insightful. It was an incredible sealing. Many people told me later that they had thoughts during it that they considered to be revelation, that they learned a lot from it and one of my aunts referred to it as "meaty." I've written down as much as I can remember from it, and it doesn't seem the best forum to share all of it here. After sharing his counsel, Brother McConkie said, "Okay, let's get you married," and then we knelt at the altar and promised and now Jonathan is my husband! He is mine forever! My constant one, my sweet love. I am so glad to be his wife! I'm so grateful for the God who heard my prayer and kindly honored the wish of my troubled heart.

"here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the roof of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Expanding Horizons

If you've been talking to my sweet wife lately, you'd know that she's been learning about all sorts of interesting things. I've always valued conversation with my Racher. I love talking about almost anything. If I'm honest, I used to be a lot more closed to new ideas. Because of Rachel I've come in contact with some very sobering and challenging thoughts. After reviewing myself, I usually do end up changing the way I think about things. Because of Rachel, I've been introduced to perspectives I hadn't ever considered in depth that are so worth considering! Rachel has a natural ability of explaining the way she feels well or explaining how other people might feel well. I have to admit that at times I have resisted the things she has said either because I felt completely different and so it was hard for me to understand or I was scared of the implications of what she was sharing. But in those times when I am humble and open and Rachel is sharing how she feels I experience a closeness that I would not trade for anything. The truth is that when I share things Rachel is always empathetic. I'm aspiring to be better so I can say the same for myself.

Rachel pushes me intellectually and I love it. There are disagreements in our relationship, and at times (really dramatic times) it feels as if we will never be reconciled. As hard as our hearts might temporarily become as a result of misunderstandings and pride, the softness that INEVITABLY comes with forgiveness, mutual understanding and high regard for each other and whatever feelings or ideas were being expressed makes the struggle worth it's weight in wisdom. I'm blessed with this relationship. I'm blessed with this friendship. I'm thankful that Rachel forgives me, understands me, and has such high regard for me. I lova my Racher!

PS--it is forcing me to publish in pink...unfortunate but not the end of the world.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The DR

As many of you know, Rachel and I are now married! We had the most amazing sealing, I loved it and it will be a day I treasure for the rest of my life. It is beautiful that life, with all of its disappointments and inevitable failures, surprises you with beautiful experiences. Not that I thought that our marriage would be traumatic or that I would have bad feelings about it, I think that there are just some things in life that are so wonderful that you can't contemplate them accurately until they have already passed. It was more wonderful than anything my imagination would have been capable of conjuring up. Any of you that were there know what I'm talking about, it was a beautiful wedding. We were truly blessed with a day full of grace and wonder.

I wanted to talk a little bit about our honeymoon. We went to the Dominican Republic to visit the place where I served my mission many years ago. This was so amazing! When Rachel initially wanted to go the Dominican Republic, I was actually a little worried. I was hesitant because sometimes traveling in the 3rd world isn't as much fun as you might think it will be. I should have known that my Racher would love it! We had so much fun. The only think that wasn't perfect was that Rachel got a cough. Not just any cough, a crazy uncontrollable cough. It was so sad to see Rachel coughing and coughing until it hurt. We tried to get her some medicine and cough drops but they were only marginally effective. So Rachel just ended up having a cough the whole time, but it somehow didn't affect us very much.

I was really impressed because she had a good attitude the whole time. We were able to visit all of my areas, see some people that I loved and who loved me and Rachel had a good time the whole time. I always loved Rachel's spirit of adventure. I imagined all of the adventures we would have together because she really is good at making the best of hard situations. But I didn't understand how resistant to bad moods she actually is! If anybody has driven in the DR, they know that it is not for the faint of heart. It is scary and Rachel took it all in stride. People here think that I am a crazy driver, but I think Rachel now has a new appreciation for my driving. She's more attracted to me because of my third world driving.

Now of course, I know that a lot of Rachel's good attitude had to do with the fact that we were in the third world. Rachel LOVES the third world. I'd wager that had we been in a better off nation, she wouldn't have enjoyed it as much. But this is just another thing that I absolutely adore about my Racher. She is so unique and I am so lucky to have her. I've been blessed with a beautiful, sweet wife who is the best company in the world, 3rd, 2nd, or 1st world!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

My Sweet Wife!

Rachel is the sweetest!