Friday, August 22, 2014

OH, the very young!

I have to say I have been feeling more hopeful lately. I'm not sure where it is coming from, but Jon has been a star and his kindness just pulls so much glory out of everyday life. It makes such a difference to me when I feel wanted, when I feel like I mean a lot to him. We spend hours in irate rants about the horror of what has happened to loved ones, we beg each other, let's always be honest, please tell me if/when you have feelings for someone else. It took so long to get the kids to go to sleep tonight. Earlier I took them to the playroom at FSTC, and it started out lovely but when we had to leave, Chai's brain melted and he roared and screamed his displeasure and Joy was in the lobby talking to a board member, and I was sore embarrassed. Then he screamed all the way home. I feel badly when I try to have fun with them and it seems like the leaving is so devastating that it negates any of the good bonding from the activity in the first place. Craig Wilson has forsaken us. We're still tripping around all the junk in our house and constantly reassuring each other it will get better when the basement is done...we loved to ask our Sparrow questions, like "Are you my lady? Are you very nice? Are you very kind?" She will sweetly reply "Uh-uh," or "Yeah" and if we ask why, she will say, "Cuh!" She is so adorable with her trompy little run and her attentive cradling of her baby. After yelping "Meee! Meeee!" whenever she wants to be included in anything, she will ask "Baby? [coming too]?" We've been sleeping together like two little peas in the cutest pod; her arm flung across my chest and me always kissing her face and hair, saying my baby, my baby, my very good lady. I love it when Chai sometimes wants me to snuzzle him, too, and he'll yell, "I just want you for a little bit!" I want to always go to them. I was watching Anne of Avonlea tonight while Jon was playing and he kept laughing bc he said I was exactly like her..."You are some kind of archetype," he says. It made me so happy.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Stars that clear have been dead for years, but the idea still lives on

I was stunned to see our beautiful cat laying on the rocks in permanent pause, her brown eyes open and still. She was stretched out so perfectly, no blood, nothing obviously damaged, I kept blinking and wishing she would transform into an anonymous raccoon, not our sweet kitty. This is the second time I felt that cold shock go over me when we lost a beloved animal, the first time was our lovely engagement bird. We never understood why it died. It was such a sudden stop. When I told Jonathan, he cried and kind of collapsed into my arms. "This is so sad, it's too sad!" We both cried all the way to salt lake, and talked about all the animals who are neglected and abused and treated cruelly. Jon decided to be a vegetarian in honor of Amber and then ordered sausage patties for breakfast. It was good to see Adam and Amy. Their experiences dovetail in such a nice way with ours. Amy brought us a card and told us she was pregnant. Upon finding out, she immediately sat down and wove a tapestry. We told her this was a very ancient thing to do.  I really like them and wish they lived closer. I asked Jon when we were alone in the car if he thinks there is anything we can do to lessen the strain another baby (Oh, God, WHY?) will have on our relationship. He said he thought setting regular bedtimes would make a big difference, so we could have time alone to connect. I agree, but I want to help him understand the thousands of other pieces, like taking time to hold hands, pointing out the good that the other does, especially when they're handling something stressful, using soft voices and validating during a disaster and not just after, eye contact, expressing affection verbally, sleeping in the same room...our relationship really is the most important in the world to me! I would do anything to save it and strengthen it, but our current reality shakes me and makes me feel doomed to wrath, to moving farther apart. That's not what I want, but I have a hard time believing we can be focused enough to resist natural decay.
We came home and packed and sprinkled holy water on our pretty kitty, told her we had loved her and would miss her. Jon kept putting off taking her away, so I finally did it. It felt so wrong, like she was just any other thing. Her eyes were closed by then. Jon kept saying of Sage, "I'm all she has left in the world." Chai suggested we "wait a few minutes until she comes alive again." 

We drove up Cottonwood canyon and it was so gorgeous, the mountains and trees feed my soul in a way I couldn't receive when I was younger and they were associated with cold and forced hikes and the only glory was the beach. I associate canyons with falling in love with Jonathan and the security of being wanted.
We met up with the Science Twins and their parejas and walked around the glowing lake. Abby was very attentive to Chai and it was so easy and summery and fragrant. We spent the night talking around the fire, about the family, about what will happen,  about how the stars we can see are already dead. We watched a Lion King VHS with a preview for Angels in the Outfield and I was like 1995 was 5 minutes ago! But no, it was almost 20 years ago and I don't understand.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Maybe this time it's different

We've been married four years ago today, and I was right, it was better than 3 in every way! I feel part of me resisting accepting the reality that we couldn't be together last night because we were too exhausted after having to woo sweet Sparrow to sleep (on the living room floor, so it's not like our standards are super high) and getting up at 7 to search for Chai's bottle because the little Lord wouldn't accept the smaller one.  When I think of all the babies that have crashed into our lives in such a short time, I am amazed that we have done as well as we have, that we ever think to drop kisses on each other's faces or snuggle forward or back. When we climbed back in bed this morning after convincing Chai to take the smaller bottle, we talked for two hours about this icy dark tragedy. I told him I'm afraid of what could happen to us. I think four years ago Jon would have earnestly promised me that he'd never go, now he says, we never know what will happen, but that he has hope because we talk and are willing to feel our emotions. The understanding and fevered insight we've held through this whole ordeal is a warm and kindly hand in the abyss. I worry for my friend, that she will be confused and hurt. I still feel angry for the deception, possibly the continued deception. Such destruction for two families. It terrifies me. It seems like such a brutal coming of age, so different from the soft autumn folklore I was introduced to. I can't remember our beginnings without remembering all of them, no matter how rotted and explicitly disappointing it became. Jon arranged for the Stranges to watch the kids while we went to Happy Sumo. I felt so light while we were there. I kept looking at him and thinking, he likes me, he chose me, I've had his babies/I'm carrying his child. When I can stay with it our intimacy feels so amazing. I told him I love him for having a brain that pulls things apart.For some reason, I woke up this morning (27 weeks) feeling one thousand years pregnant. I'm starting to need more support for this heavy bubble, for my fragile birdcage pelvis. It didn't help that I slept for about four hours. I dragged myself through the day just aching for sleep and still managed to feed the kids, read and look at baby pictures with Chai, clean out most of the car and the bathroom counter.  I wish I were more patient with the kids. I hover between being loving and screaming lately. Sometimes I connect so hard with my gorgeous, bright boy, and he will tell me he loves me and other times I can't handle the "why" for everything I ever say. Sometimes I can't get enough of Sparrow's blue-eyed stampeding and her wanting to always lay close, pat my chest, cradle her baby. I take them to the park and affirm and narrate. Other times I just want to lay on the floor and pass out. I want them to go to sleep for hours and just leave me alone. Looking through Chai's baby pictures with him today made me feel two degrees warmer toward the idea of having another baby. "Mom, I have to say why. Because I do."