Stars that clear have been dead for years, but the idea still lives on

I was stunned to see our beautiful cat laying on the rocks in permanent pause, her brown eyes open and still. She was stretched out so perfectly, no blood, nothing obviously damaged, I kept blinking and wishing she would transform into an anonymous raccoon, not our sweet kitty. This is the second time I felt that cold shock go over me when we lost a beloved animal, the first time was our lovely engagement bird. We never understood why it died. It was such a sudden stop. When I told Jonathan, he cried and kind of collapsed into my arms. "This is so sad, it's too sad!" We both cried all the way to salt lake, and talked about all the animals who are neglected and abused and treated cruelly. Jon decided to be a vegetarian in honor of Amber and then ordered sausage patties for breakfast. It was good to see Adam and Amy. Their experiences dovetail in such a nice way with ours. Amy brought us a card and told us she was pregnant. Upon finding out, she immediately sat down and wove a tapestry. We told her this was a very ancient thing to do.  I really like them and wish they lived closer. I asked Jon when we were alone in the car if he thinks there is anything we can do to lessen the strain another baby (Oh, God, WHY?) will have on our relationship. He said he thought setting regular bedtimes would make a big difference, so we could have time alone to connect. I agree, but I want to help him understand the thousands of other pieces, like taking time to hold hands, pointing out the good that the other does, especially when they're handling something stressful, using soft voices and validating during a disaster and not just after, eye contact, expressing affection verbally, sleeping in the same room...our relationship really is the most important in the world to me! I would do anything to save it and strengthen it, but our current reality shakes me and makes me feel doomed to wrath, to moving farther apart. That's not what I want, but I have a hard time believing we can be focused enough to resist natural decay.
We came home and packed and sprinkled holy water on our pretty kitty, told her we had loved her and would miss her. Jon kept putting off taking her away, so I finally did it. It felt so wrong, like she was just any other thing. Her eyes were closed by then. Jon kept saying of Sage, "I'm all she has left in the world." Chai suggested we "wait a few minutes until she comes alive again." 

We drove up Cottonwood canyon and it was so gorgeous, the mountains and trees feed my soul in a way I couldn't receive when I was younger and they were associated with cold and forced hikes and the only glory was the beach. I associate canyons with falling in love with Jonathan and the security of being wanted.
We met up with the Science Twins and their parejas and walked around the glowing lake. Abby was very attentive to Chai and it was so easy and summery and fragrant. We spent the night talking around the fire, about the family, about what will happen,  about how the stars we can see are already dead. We watched a Lion King VHS with a preview for Angels in the Outfield and I was like 1995 was 5 minutes ago! But no, it was almost 20 years ago and I don't understand.