Thursday, September 4, 2014

Your ex-lover is dead

I am constantly thinking about whether Tarzan is a boy or a girl. I'm glad I don't know, I'm not sure what I'm hoping for right now. I love my little son and daughter so dearly and I hope to feel the same way someday about this constant presence pummeling my belly. Today was Chai's second day of preschool--so far those mornings go so smoothly; I get him up and he's excited and cooperative and I feed him and we talk in the car on the way, I hold his hand and he beams at Miss Tina. It's such a positive thing for him, he loves showing us his papers and art when he comes home, and no potty accidents so far! And what a lovely boy, cooing, "It's my mom!" when I picked him up and telling me "A story, too," when I asked him about everything he did. He is so bright and articulate and expresses his feelings so well. I love the extra time to snuggle Sparrow and hang out with Jonny while Chai is at preschool and I just hold and kiss my girl while chattering at his back. Despite my many dolores, things have been so sweet with Jonathan. I think Recent Happenings have made us cleave more deeply together in some ways than ever before--we also spend so much time trying to work into the little headspace of how it happened, and how can we avoid it? No one knows how they will feel in 8 years, 20 years, but we are hoping that being honest will help.

Efficiency was my name, variety was my name today--I gave the kids lunch and took them to Doug while I went to report to a CFTM. On the way home I stopped at the creamery on 9th for brownies and noticed happily that I was pained not at all to recall that histrionic goodbye in the corner of the parking lot while his mother watched with cold eyes. I didn't belong with them, although at 18 I desperately wanted to be the kind of person who did. My freshman year: brownies, grape juice, taquitos, the perverse bliss of $4 appearing per day on my ID card and all this freedom to eat hideously. Jealousy and misunderstanding and listening to music all night long. I don't miss that piece at all, I'm glad it's over.

I took the kids to the splash pad and marveled at how much I really do love to watch them play. They are so fascinating and sweet to me. Chai tends to flock to other kids and instruct them "Friend? Friend? Come this way" and Sparrow wanders around, dreamy in her own world. Every once in a while their paths cross and they hug. They squeeze each other several times a day and Chai says things like "this is my sister!" I love them together. We came home and I saw Jon had left me a note on the door...he loves me..."I don't think that will leave." My smile almost split my face off and I ran back to the car to tell Chai about it, "He loves me! And I love him, too!" He had cleaned the kitchen and I took that in with such relief and joy. Sometimes Jonathan is just so good, so good to me, I feel I don't want for anything in the world. I am so well-befriended and so kindly partnered. I am lucky! He is more than I was ever wise or creative enough to yearn for. Even our vicios are at home, maybe too at-home, with one another. Doug and Emme came to the farm with us and the sun was in everyone's eye and we had ableskivvers and eggs and talked conspiracy. It was so warm and comfortable and nice to just be us. I said I was feeling better about dying eventually and Doug said he was feeling worse...I'm most concerned with my own consciousness and if I ease out of the genome eventually, that doesn't bother me so much as having a good long time being sentient and experiencing what I can.