Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

This will be rushed, but it's either that or not write at all. :)“And so it is, just like you said it would be, life goes easy on me, most of the time.” My little bird is two weeks old and I’m here to report that so far, this is much, much easier than I thought it would be. That statement should be taken with several grains of salt, such as the grain of having my sweet friends be so attentive and loving, visiting, bringing meals, bearing gifts, remembering me, celebrating with me, the grain of never having gone anywhere alone with both of the babies yet, the grain of having a long stretch of time away from my full caseload at work. Etc. But I’m still happy for these two smooth, peaceful weeks regardless, because it’s been a beautiful way to begin a relationship with my sweet baby girl. I want to tentatively agree with the people who told me that the hardest adjustment is the first baby—at least so far—because I’ve felt nothing similar to that new anxiety that nearly divided me in half, the awkwardness of my arms in those days, the little absurd things I thought I “had” to do (I’m sure I will feel that way every time I have a child). There are tough moments, like when Chai looks at me betrayed and wants "up" at the same time I'm nursing the baby, or when he tries to pulverize her, but those moments are brief and buffered by lovely, adventurous days. 

I’ve fallen back into my body more gracefully than last time, too. Except for the vermicious afterpains (formidable. fierce. deadly. and I was such a wuss about them) this time has been a painless recovery. I love sleeping on my stomach, I love rolling over without feeling like a turtle stuck on its back, I love walking without the twinges in my hip and back. I love the wilted henna flower still on my skin. I started going places right away, the day after she was born, and that helped everything feel more normal right away. 

I told Jonathan the day after she was born that I was fond of her, but could not deny that my allegiance lay more solidly with Chai. That’s not true anymore..I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but by day 3 I felt this warm glow whenever I held her and I missed her whenever she had been sleeping for awhile. Little Sparrow, I don’t even know you so much yet, you only open your eyes a couple of times a day, but I feel deeply for you and you are so welcome here.

I can tell I’m still on some kind of high from the birth, because of how distanced I feel from what usually troubles me. Because of how good food tastes, for how lovely the colors of our bedspread seem. For how happy I am feeling my hip bones again. For the almost craving I have to hold and smell my baby. For how vivid music sounds and feels, that putting on a playlist of songs I love is enough to make  me feel giddy. I told Jonathan later, I’m trying to see my life as a happy, maybe temporary accident laid alongside all the various layers of grief and complex emotion that humans experience—instead of feeling like I’m being exchanged good, upbeat feelings for some small change of goodness, I’m just trying to honor it by being in it, feeling it move through me and not ascribing a reason to it or a deserving. I know there is no deserving of these moments anymore than I deserve an especially warm breeze floating over me while I happen to be close to someone speaking powerful words, or looking at something in nature that is particularly gorgeous. I just want to enjoy that moment of warmth.

I know it will get harder and sometimes my vision will slip and I’ll see life as ordinary, or unhappy, but that doesn’t make today less real.

Things about Sparrow:

She is so deliciously lovely! She weighs 9.1 now after losing a little weight right after she was born. She has a beautiful color and my midwife was impressed that she never got jaundiced at all. My winter baby has a summer soul. J

I discovered accidentally that the sound of running water is soothing to her. If I place her next to the sink and run the faucet, she starts to get so drowsy.

She is gracious and after I change her diaper around 5:30/6 AM, she will sleep as late as 10 or 11 am with just one sleepy feeding, and I get to hang out with Chai. That helps so much and especially the first few days helped me feel a sense of normalcy.  

She has been congested and is really snorty/grunty/snuffly at night. We’ve taken turns “steaming” her in the bathroom and that helps a little. Such sweet sticky little bits of snot. My midwife says taking fenugreek capsules will help clear her up. Vamos a ver. 

Sparrow was always a pretty good nurser, but last week she stepped up her game and started nursing really hard. She will sometimes dive towards me with a little animal grunt of hunger.

She is gorgeous and there is something dignified about her. She sometimes sleeps with one hand –or both--up in the hair in such an expressive gesture as if she is delivering a speech to an impassioned crowd of people. (This is how her father communicates all the time so possibly this is a genetic trait). 

She only opens her eyes a couple of times a day, yawns and purses her lips. She looks contemplative, wise, a little confused. I still feel like she is mostly not “with” us yet and there is something so peaceful about her dreaminess. We love talking to her when she is awake. 

So far she is immensely calm and only cries desperately if for some reason I can’t get to her right away, like when I took an ill-timed shower once. I say “so far” because our Chai was calm like this at first, too, and then became more spirited and rageful right around the time we took him to Mexico when he was 3 weeks old. If that happens with Sparrow, it won’t scare me as badly because I’ll know it won't last forever. She sleeps through loud conversations, the vacuum, Jonny listening to Tool, and Chai trying to pull her off the couch. 

I am so deeply happy! Daylight hours bring me such resplendent joy in my two beautiful babies! I have two babies! They are so lovely. I feel lucky to have the memories I do and luckier to have the reality that I have now. I’m proud of myself for birthing both my babies at home and for making my own path. I love my life more than I ever have because it is my own. 

My goon!

At Jonathan's birthday party, the day after Sparrow was born. 

At one of my post-partum appointments. Chai always demands the stethoscope to listen to my belly :)

"The return of Honey Daddy!"

Our rockin' Valentine's Day...Jonny fell asleep during MST3K.