Little boy lost

I was sorting through the boxes of kids' clothes tonight and it was startlingly sharp to uncover baby Chai's clothes and feel as though he'd suddenly gone away. "Where is baby Chai?" He's sprawled out inside a lanky two year old body now and recovered from his cold long enough to run outside in the rain and kick the ball with his daddy. I watched them through the window while listening to Pam England talk about "what kind of mother were you, before the unthinkable happened?" I thought he looked just like a little boy. Tonight after I finally got Sparrow to sleep I crept to the blue armchair where he spends many hours perched and plugged in and I rested my head on his belly and he said "You sad?" and I said "I tired. I so tired." He touched my hair and said "You happy...you not sad anymore."

Setting aside clothes for my nephew Jesse made me feel more confident in letting some of them go, but in my secret heart I am saving that box not for future babies but for the ones who are already growing up. Jon teared up when he saw "the red jabbies" and said "I miss my boy. My little boy who crawled up to me when I came home from work."