"It must come true, sometime soon, somehow"

Christmas Eve was so peaceful and lovely this year, I felt like we were floating like the wispy snowflakes that fell all day. Our house was filled with music and the glowing, spicy-smelling tree that Jonathan surprised me with. It’s so beautiful even though all the ornaments are plucked off of the bottom half. We couldn’t stop smiling at each other. It was one of those days that you think your life will be like in the future when you are the most dreamy and hopeful. I had this sense of being separate from everything dark and coarse and just existing in this sphere of expectancy and memory and love for my Jonny and my baby. We went out to breakfast and Chai was more “autonomous” at the restaurant even than usual—we watched him, amused, as he hurled napkins, straws, and silverware on the floor and then howled when we wouldn’t let him throw our plates. He spit everything out; it seemed, out of spite that we were restricting his freedoms. He ran away in the parking lot. For some reason with the snow swirling outside the window even his challenging behavior seemed charming. Jonathan said, “You’re just a little ray of sunshine, aren’t you?” and we laughed. All of our movements and words seemed sweeter, more significant than usual. I think Christmas really did get into our blood. We held hands in the car driving home through the white sky and drank hot chocolate. This year, it really did feel like magic, just being us.

I loved scurrying around town on my own finishing up surprises and being able to listen to music by myself and really feel it. I miss that so much; in fact it’s been so long since I really listened to certain songs with an undivided mind that the intensity made me cry.

The kindest employee at Allen’s Photo worked a Christmas miracle for me by photoshopping something on his own laptop that I hadn’t been able to do on their company’s website and wasn’t skilled enough to create on my own. He told me he loved my idea, that it sounded like it would be super easy, and created it for me even though they were swamped with orders and it was in no way part of his job, and I was only spending $3.17 on having it printed. It was so terribly nice that it warmed me all the way through my body. I went to the dollar store to get some little things for Chai and saw families shopping there for their entire Christmas, which made me feel cold and cheap like the little plastic toys they were pulling off the shelves. Going to the mall immediately afterwards (for Teavana) was like being pummeled in the face with the privilege it is to even be able to shop there, and it solidified why I despise the Santa myth, it is so cruel. I’m grateful to be able to conjure some tiny Christmas magic tricks for my little boy. I think the “joy of human love” is just as magical and lovely as believing that elves in the North Pole know your name and planned it all for you, and I hope as Chai gets older he will appreciate that excitement that comes from being thoughtful and preparing heartfelt gifts too.

It was fun being resoundingly pregnant this year at Christmastime and gave me a lot of creative energy. It felt so good to wrap secrets and anticipate their revealing, and to remember that after Christmas we still have one more “present” to look forward to. Christmas Eve night, we each opened one present and sang a couple of Christmas songs in Spanish. We held onto each other. Those were such dear and loving moments. I didn’t realize how fulfilling it would be to celebrate with just our little family—I thought I always wanted to be surrounded by a thousand people and that having Christmas alone would make me feel old. It didn’t. I felt the most childlike wonder and happiness. 

While Chai was running around squawking and waving his cheerleader pompoms, I told Jonathan a story about the first Christmas we were dating and how vivid and bright my thoughts were, and how I felt like I was alive for the first time, and my yellow-bird dreams. He told me, “We always belonged together…right from the very beginning…didn’t we?” Sometimes it seems crazy that we’re really doing this…that we have this life together, that we have an exquisite child that we take care of together, that we’re about to have another one…my friend Wendy said once, “How has no one figured it out? Don’t people realize we’re just KIDS?” It’s not “ending up” maybe because so much of the story is left unwritten, but we do belong together, and that’s the most beautiful part of Christmas or anytime is belonging. The rest of the holiday got a little complex, so I want to always remember this Christmas Eve and how sweet and soft it was. I’m grateful for the beauty in my life and my relationships.

(This was my Gift of the Heart for Jonathan that the Allen's Photo employee magnanimously helped me create!)