Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly

Is this really happening? I’m almost 38 weeks pregnant! My baby is LOA! And I feel amazing! I’m like a snowball [cut out of the mountain without hands] tumbling downhill now that the holidays are over. I know the shape of the land is going to change so much over the next month or so and that this little bubble of equilibrium that we’re enjoying so much will pop and we’ll have to stumble around a little before we find steady footing again. So I want to record all the details before that happens and we shed this skin, walk out of this year’s Eden.

Lo fisico: Weeks 30-35 or so were marked by some kind of pelvic disjointedness that was really painful, sometimes every step was excruciating, and made me feel elderly and feeble, but other than a slight twinge now and then it seems to have resolved itself. And hopefully whatever was going on was happening in preparation for baby to have an easy passage. Every few days my back will hurt and I’ll moan to Jonathan, “I’m such a pregnant Racher!” but most days I slip through feeling really normal, good energy, high spirits. Spry! It bothers me a little when people at work rush to do everything for me, even though I know they’re trying to be sweet. I’ve been having more practice surges than I did with Chai, but they’re not super frequent, maybe one a day. I’m 37 weeks and I’ve gained 20 lbs so far, which I’m also really happy about (and I didn’t start out heavier than last time). I had already gained 40 pounds by this point in my pregnancy with Chai. Last time toward the very end I remember feeling like an elephant seal, so swollen, and now I feel more like myself.  I feel lucky to feel as good as I do. I feel so lucky to have a partner who is so kind to me and tells me that he loves me and loves the way I look every time he sees me. It’s not a placating, “I’ll compliment her extra because she feels grotesque” kind of thing either, it’s more of a marveling at how incredible it is that I can grow another human being inside my body. We are both in awe that we get to experience this together. I feel like I really do have a beautiful body. I am so appreciative of how wise and functional it is, even though no one can call my intake choices heroic.   

Lo emocional: I don’t sleep perfectly but it’s my thoughts more than my body that keep me awake. I wake up around 5 or 6 in the morning and my mind just races. I play out the birth in my mind, I anticipate all those wild and wonderful feelings and I welcome them, whatever the universe has to teach me this time. I feel like I should be terrified, but lately all I feel is excited. I think pregnancy offers a peaceful measure of denial…like Allen said once, “When they’re out, they’re REALLY out.” I can have my hands on my expanding belly and feel my thumping, jumping, bumping raptor-child but I won’t believe it in the same way I will when I see her and hear that heart-wrenching bleating baby cry.

I was telling someone the other day that I don’t think I have a significant pre-birth intuition about my babies the way some people do. I love being so connected and sharing those months of secret pre-life, but I don’t “sense” things about their personality or future, I think of them sort of as mythical creatures and presents that I get to unwrap. (I guess that’s not completely true, I do have a feeling, maybe just from how calculated her movements seem, that this baby is very, very bright. But that’s written in her genetic material, have you met Jonny Strange?) I think I felt very fond of the idea of Chai before he was born, and I definitely had intense emotions when I met him, but it was getting to know him and caring for him over the next weeks and months that made me absolutely adore him. I am so eager and excited to have that experience again, to get to know this new person whose life will be entwined with ours (not enmeshed hopefully) forever.

 I’ve been able to alleviate a lot of my girl-terror (for now) through hard introspection, therapy and art and writing out my pain and absorbing wise words from friends. I’m grateful to everyone who has listened to me and especially those who have told me they think my baby is lucky to be with me because of my concerns. That means so much! It has helped to think of her as “unwritten” and remember that my job is to let her write her own story, not to scribble doom ahead on the pages. I’ve connected with a lot of symbols of hope for her that give me courage.

I am still worried about Chai feeling lost or dismayed. I look at my sleeping boy in the mornings and feel so sad for him. I acknowledge those sorrowful feelings, but then I paint over the sadness with images of him being delighted every time he sees a baby, remind myself he will have a place in my arms as long as he wants it, that I’m adding another ball to the easy juggling routine we’re used to (okay, or sixteen new balls) but I’m not abandoning him. I’ll get smart enough and strong enough to figure this out. I cling to all the comforting words and stories I’ve heard from others and I’m giving myself freedom to write a good story for us, too. We’ve been watching birth videos together and he pays rapt attention and gets really excited pointing out the baby at the end. I showed him the unedited footage of his own birth and kept telling him how happy I was that he was born and how much I loved him. I think, I hope, that he does feel loved. He’s still so little and so innocent.

Planes futuros: Last week we had our home visit from our midwife! Doug and Emily helped me beautify my house beforehand and we made some changes that helped give our living space some good energy. (That sounded so dorky, but all the tech piling up and some particularly oppressive furniture was giving me EMOTIONAL varicosites ). My midwife is a lovely person. It was so fun talking about plans to pick up the birthing tub (it’s a trough this time instead of a kiddy pool) and going over details of my hopes and fears for the birth and how I want to be supported. My biggest hope for the actual physiological process is being able to go super slow during crowning and pushing and really listen to my body instead of forcing the baby down. (I know that’s totally easy to say while I’m not in the moment, but I still think I can do it!) Last time, I thought tearing was no big deal because it seemed to happen so often and no one really talked about it. I didn’t make any effort to stop it from happening. That part of recovery was tough for me and giving my body more time might be really hard for a few minutes but if I can save myself a couple of months of anguish later it will be totally worth it.

I also told my midwife that I don’t want any cervical checks unless I request them. I have witnessed what a poor predictor they are of actual progress in labor; they are intrusive and can be immensely discouraging. I didn’t have more than four in my labor with Chai, but each time it was awful to have to get on my back and it threw me off my rhythm. I probably will ask to be checked at some point (I don’t think I’ll be able to help myself) but I’m hoping to get pretty far into active labor before doing so. I love that I get to choose whether or not I get checked and that it will be only a person that I selected and trust performing them, if I do decide I want to get them. It feels good to know that my provider cares about my bodily autonomy and respects my feelings.  

We talked about who I have invited to the birth and what everyone’s role will be, what our plans are for Chai. (Chai is not coming to the birth. If it happens at night I’ll just leave him sleeping; my brother has agreed to watch him otherwise and take him off the premises. I like the idea of having him present, but I know he would be a distraction for me. I want to see him immediately when I’m done, though!)

 I really want to create an affirming environment. I told her that one of the most important things is that I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or make comments about how hard it is. Birthing Chai was the most consuming, exhausting physical experience of my life and it was HARD, but it was so good. I remember being there and surging away and thinking that if I spoke the words “This is hard,” “I can’t do this,” “It hurts so much,” etc that absolutely nothing would change, no one would step in and do it for me, but that I would feel weaker and let self-pity creep in and that my resolve would deteriorate. So even when it was extremely intense and part of me was wondering how much longer, I said, “I can do this! I know I can do this!” and thanked the people around me for their kindness and loving support. They kept telling me “perfect” and “you’re doing beautifully” and “you’ve got this” and in the middle of that inner tsunami it felt so good to be affirmed like that. I felt like I was winning. I told my midwife that and she beamed. She told me the story of another of her clients who decided she was going to express her love for the people in the room every time she had a really difficult surge. So it would come and she would start telling her husband and doula how much she loved them, and the more she did that, the more peaceful she felt and even though labor got more intense, her endorphins were surging too and she was able to stay in control. I thought that was lovely—it might seem cheesy, but our minds are so powerful and our thoughts are so connected to what our bodies are experiencing, it makes sense that expressing love would create a different sensation than being angry or trying to “run away” from what the body was doing.

Some people have asked me if I’m doing hypnobirthing again. Technically yes, but we weren’t able to take a full class this time because of the timing of the holidays and of the birth of our instructor’s own baby. I wish we had been able to, and I wish I had been able to practice more. I’ve listened to the  scripts a couple of times, but I can’t really get in any kind of zone when Chai is awake and if I do it at night I just pass out and don’t really work at it. We took a refresher course the other night and I was obsessed with it. Laura went over the breathing again and most of the time was focused on teaching the birth support how to attend to the mother, but we did a fear release that really spoke to me. (It was so fun to have Jonny, Doug, Emily, Mary, and Laurel all there with me too!) I’m hopeful that where not having practiced as much might be detrimental to me, having more experience than last time will help compensate. And really, it was the doulas and my husband that made all the difference to me last time, and I am so, so unbelievably lucky to have most of them back for round 2 (plus some other rockstar support). I can’t wait for that! My friends, my sisters, I’m so grateful to you for willingly and happily coming to travail by my side. I love you so much. I am looking forward to my blessingway on the 18^th, and after that baby can come anytime [before Katie leaves for Iceland please bless]!!!! 

32 Weeks, before the snow came.

34 Weeks at the Pace "Night in Bethlehem" Christmas party. We were supposed to be shepherds but secretly we were Dothraki. Don't tell!

36 Weeks, right after New Years

Sometimes, just being in Ogden makes me do this in pictures.