We'll come clean

Today was healing. I feel so much better! It was a slow dizzy morning and it's been getting hotter.  I took Chai to the library before work. His smile and halo of bright hair just melt my heart. He fell in love with the fountain outside the library, joyfully filled the river with rocks, and was devastated when we had to leave.

Jonny and I visited his parents tonight. They were both in higher spirits and Jay played with Chai and they both marveled at his vocabulary and sharpness. I love seeing them enjoy him! Jay wanted to see Sparrow turn over, and she did, and she rolled around and gimbaled on the floor liked a sweet juicy peach. She is so delicious and luscious. I love her eyes and her soft happiness.  

Later we went to Laura and Israel's to "speak heresies" and to feed the birds, bitcoin a bag.

We talked, really talked, while we were driving, and Jon kissed me in the car. I always wish for that and when it happens I feel my heart can stop happy.  

The nights of all my youth pressed into one glass of water

Tonight I'm doing better, but today was rough for me. So rough and raw and eggy and sad. I miss Jonathan. This year has carved out more than a pound of flesh, how can I be left with so much flesh? I sobbed in the car all the way to work and made my eyes look like my makeup on my wedding day (ugh) and had a deep talk with Joy, which was nice of her since she'd just had dental surgery. We talked about staying in my primary emotion. The primary colors of my emotions? I'm afraid, and sad, and lonely, and hurt. I feel rejected. Even though I hate it when P!ink makes a good point, I told myself "We're not broken, just bent" can apply to me, too, and I told myself the story of how I begin to remember: even when sometimes it feels like the babies have taken something away, I know that the brightest light in my life shines through them, even the piece of myself that they reflect back to me.

I am so proud of my beautiful births and my own strength and the love in my life that was so evident in those moments. I glow when I think of them. I took another walk tonight with the babies. I am exhausted, Chai got up early and freaked out when I was nursing the baby. He's been hurting. We've all been hurting. But Summer is SO beautiful, that dear curve of the mountain, even the horses right now (the brown and white spotted and blond one) and the glorious sunshine and the taste of melty chocolate cookies and kombucha, I love. At work a little boy built a house and he said the best thing about it was that his mother was there.

Pretty Ling Thing

I'm saving the long wind for someday the waves. My life is a series of vignettes anyway. Well, my enter key no longer works, so there's that. I love walking with Chai in the sun, and today before work we visited our bovine friends down the hill ("I running! I running!") and they were eating and he yelled: "They eating FOOD! They eating GRASS! They eating DINNER!" I went to work and lately the summer is so sweet I want to stay with the babies, but I like so much being there when I'm there, and I like talking to people and tenderly unfurling their stories. I went to a planning meeting for Sarah's event and Ruthie and I joked about subliminal intactivism via pens printed with the slogan "pen is retractable." Today was so fast, it was like flushed down the toilet. I want time to slow down. My girl is a plump juicy peach.

L'Chaim!

Oh my oh my oh Chai my Chai!

Today was your second birthday. You are two and I’m exhausted. I can’t believe it’s only Saturday tomorrow. We have been crazy busy with birthday shenanigans and you, your sweet sister, and my lack of organization have completely worn me out. But you won’t remember this birthday either, so I need to tell you about it. Last night we went to the Art City Days carnival. You get so much energy from being around people. I love to see you so happy and running around! You kept trying to escape from us and you’d run as far as fast as you could, darting through the crowd. You threw yourself into the splash pad, soaked your clothes and started shivering. Your daddy held you and we wrapped you in the moby to keep you from dying of hypothermia. 

We met up with “Dabid and LarLar” and you and Scarlet rode the swings together for awhile. I tried to take a picture but both of you were too quick. Emily and I took you on the merry-go-round and I held onto you while your horse moved up and down. You were beaming, and you kept crying out “I did it! I did it!”

That night when I put you to bed, I was telling you all the things we did that day, and you told me my eyes were blue, and said “What color—MY eyes?” You patted my chest and held my hand while you fell asleep and sang out “Baby Sehwow, oh, Sehwow, oh my Sehwoh!” I watched you stretched out all long and sleepy and I was amazed at how you could be so long and how much has happened in the 2 years since you were born. You are growing and glowing and you live so beautifully and intensely. I kissed you and kissed you. 

When we woke up you were more cheerful than usual and you shouted “Good morning!” back to me. I kept telling you it was your birthday and I know you didn’t understand exactly what I meant but you were nodding and repeating “Birthday!” By midmorning you were shouting “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” and clapping for yourself. You were mostly sweet to Sparrow today, but I did catch you waking her up from her nap by tapping on her head with a drumstick. You love drumming! I’m sure it was just a coincidence! On your birthday you get the benefit of the doubt!

We took you to Wheeler Farm to see the animals and meet up with some aunties and uncles for your party. Your Daddy and I both got nervous because you refused to take a nap before we left. And Chai, I’m the worst at organizing things and sometimes I feel really bad about that, but I kept thinking, you probably won’t remember this day at all, and I didn’t want to make it more about me than about you.  Somehow, despite not taking a nap, you remained in good spirits. I got you a red balloon and you were overjoyed. You kept waving it and laughing, and when I climbed in the backseat to nurse Sparrow, you kicked your legs and yelled “Money, Money!” Chai, you loved the farm. You marched around and petted all the animals and when a chicken pecked your hand, you looked up at me and said “Whoa!” but you didn’t cry. The goats gave you a lot of feelings. You did that thing where you start dancing in place, waving your arms and squealing. “Goats!” you yelled. “I love you, goats! I LOVE MY ANIMALS!” 

You loved the tractor maybe even a little more than the goats, and you and Tanner climbed up there together and you pretended to drive. Right before we had pizza you ran off and when you saw Daddy had almost caught up to you, you diverted him by hurling yourself into the stream. He couldn’t stop laughing. You spent the rest of dinner naked from the waist down wearing a shirt from the DI box in our drunk, but you gloried in opening your presents and drank your juice like a boss. You were excited about new books, Sesame Street stickers, sidewalk chalk and bubbles. 

 

I can’t believe how smart and good and funny you are, and that I’ve had you in my life for two years. You are my dear little friend, one of my best friends in the world that I didn’t meet until I was 27. Sometimes when I look at you my heart breaks for the time we didn’t get together and for how much this winter hurt us both, but most of the time I just feel so lucky to know you and be able to hug you every day. Your life is full of flawed people, but our love for you is so genuine and tender and I hope you feel that pouring in on you all the time and that you continue to feel the freedom you do to explore so wildly, always buoyed by that love. You mean so much to me. Happy 2!


From facebook: My goon is two! We had a beautiful day celebrating Chai's cleverness and ceaseless energy by visiting odoriferous and wondrously loud farm animals, chasing birds, scattered applause, and enjoying Chai's attempts to avoid capture, which included throwing himself in a creek and spending the rest of the time at the farm with no pants on. I love him so much, he makes me laugh on average every 10 minutes and brings so much magic and oxytocin to my life. Way to rock your birthday with no nap, little man! Thanks aunties and uncles for coming and loving our boy!