Tonight I'm doing better, but today was rough for me. So rough and raw and eggy and sad. I miss Jonathan. This year has carved out more than a pound of flesh, how can I be left with so much flesh? I sobbed in the car all the way to work and made my eyes look like my makeup on my wedding day (ugh) and had a deep talk with Joy, which was nice of her since she'd just had dental surgery. We talked about staying in my primary emotion. The primary colors of my emotions? I'm afraid, and sad, and lonely, and hurt. I feel rejected. Even though I hate it when P!ink makes a good point, I told myself "We're not broken, just bent" can apply to me, too, and I told myself the story of how I begin to remember: even when sometimes it feels like the babies have taken something away, I know that the brightest light in my life shines through them, even the piece of myself that they reflect back to me.
I am so proud of my beautiful births and my own strength and the love in my life that was so evident in those moments. I glow when I think of them. I took another walk tonight with the babies. I am exhausted, Chai got up early and freaked out when I was nursing the baby. He's been hurting. We've all been hurting. But Summer is SO beautiful, that dear curve of the mountain, even the horses right now (the brown and white spotted and blond one) and the glorious sunshine and the taste of melty chocolate cookies and kombucha, I love. At work a little boy built a house and he said the best thing about it was that his mother was there.
No comments:
Post a Comment