Bubble guppies

I've been counting the days, willing that tight crampy feeling, frantically checking ovulation calculators, could it really have swung nine days!? What secrets were in my womb? I was so preoccupied and fatigued during my sessions today, I couldn't imagine ever returning to do this again. I found myself totally zoning out and counting, forgetting to breathe. When the first line spread across I smiled with initial relief and then watched in horror as the second line began to darken. What no why it's not fair!!! I tried so hard to be careful! I wildly wanted nothing more than to race back in time and put on the condom. Augh!!! Three??? Things have finally become so perfect now, this was supposed to be my year of no pregnancy, maybe we were going to stop at two kids anyway, this was The Year of the Racher! We were going to get married again next year and go to the DR for our five year anniversary. I felt all those wispy dreams of freedom crashing around me. Worse still was that Jonathan was right there already frantic and devastated. It made me feel awful, disappointed. It's not that I expected him to be excited, but I was there apologizing to him and I didn't feel like we were connected. I don't want this to be like last time. There are the stinging reasons I don't want to think about--how am I going to go anywhere? I wanted to just walk next to my two and hold each of their hands for a few years, WHY? I don't want to make Sparrow a middle child. I don't want to waste this tiny time having to push them aside for a needier child. I don't want to swell up and ache again and have to ask for time off work (will they just ask me to leave?) and pay for another rhogam shot and who knows whatever else and hold my breath again that a homebirth goes perfectly? It's not time. It doesn't feel right. WHY am I so fertile when people I love struggle and weep every month? Three kids under four seems trashy, too eager, sloppy. I'm so frustrated with myself. But some of the best people I know are third children. Even Jonathan is a third child. I know that as jarring as this might seem, we can be wiser in the future and it will just take a couple more years to get to our dreams. We can get married our seven year, maybe. The younger I have them the healthier they'll be. I shudder to think what my family will think. I don't want to tell anyone. I don't feel so much of a desire to be a birth rock star right now. I just wanted to enjoy life with my two and maybe look into PhD programs. Jon came home full of confidence about selling tech and combining an account for bills and I do think if we could just develop a couple of good habits we would be in a better position. I also need to stop doing conferences and going to things for free. I'm rallying, though. I'm not going to spend these nine months moping. I am going to go hard. I will manage my disappointment and try to be open to what lessons this experience has for me. I will be happy that I gave Sparrow two more months of development than Chai ever had. I wish I didn't have to, but I can decide to embrace this journey.