That's me in the spotlight

I am dreaming of a world where I don't have to betray my baby and break her heart in November. I cried so ugly the other night and named all the naked, floating, hideous things in my heart. I'm realizing how angry I feel that my body will eventually shout this news and everyone who sees me will feel they have the right to interpret what it means, to judge me. Jonathan pointed out that the man gets no visible affects of a pregnant partner, it's the woman who is looked at as trashy, disorganized, irresponsible, overwhelmed. I have a block solidly placed against acceptance and every time I think of making Sparrow a middle child this creeping horror spreads over me. I guess I turned three right before my sister was born? (Third child). So this happens, I'm just following the pattern my genes and maybe my unconscious beliefs about families have set for me. But I just wanted so much to go to the beach this summer and enjoy my sweets without this being all everyone sees, talks about. I've tried to think of ways I can minimize it or ignore it, not give it away to everyone like they think is their right. I feel very defensive of my lack of autonomy this time. I do not want anyone at work to know and to have to deal with their subtle urging for me to quit again. It will alienate me even further from my friends who don't have kids and who are baffled by how many I've acquired in such a short time. It made me feel so good that Jonathan was able to get this. He said "It's not fair, what an awful thing to have to carry." He also told me it scares him when I get really angry because he is so disillusioned by all the relationships in his life but he believes our closeness is real, and when I get really upset and dismal it makes him worry. I love him so much and I fell in love with him as in times of old when I felt he could hear me. He is the most important person in the world. I love his heartbeat and his arms and shoulders and his voice, especially in the morning and when he sings, I love the way his hair smells, what he finds funny and how he tells Chai "cow stories" at night. He is an idyllic father, to me. Maybe I shouldn't be so sad...it will be another lucky baby. I think of all the pain and disasters, getting the news that my husband or one of my children has died (or worse seeing it) and I think how everything would change, in my mind. I would be so grateful for this last piece of Jonathan. I would be so grateful for another little one coming to be in our family the way our family should have been. Right now "should have been" is my every day life!