On the night before my birthday, I dreamed that my brother Doug shot a deer in a stall. The bullet landed in the deer's stomach and turned it a horrible, sloshing, magenta/red. The deer started thrashing and panicking, trying to get away from the agony of the wound. It upset me so much to see its suffering. I thought it would die soon, but it went on and on, making awful noises of pain and jumping and writhing as if it could escape its own body. In the dream, it occurred to me that I could relieve this deer from its pain if I could separate its head from its body and cut off its connection to the wound. In my mind, this was the most merciful act I could perform. But the head, once severed, did not die; it became calm, peaceful, and happy. It would snuggle up to me as I held it, look at me with grateful eyes. I developed an affectionate, nurturing relationship with the deer's head and in my dream there was nothing macabre about it. I would take it in the shower and tuck it in at night. I remember being surprised that it was still living, and expected it would die soon, but I was glad it had escaped the awful deadly wound even if it didn't have a "whole" life anymore. Eventually, the deer's head changed into a child's head, a little blond boy. I continued to take care of it but this made me feel a lot sadder about its situation and the inevitability of its demise. I asked someone if there was a way to keep a child's head alive indefinitely, and they told me, I could put it on a plate of vinegar and oil, and it would live for two years, but "that's no way to live."
This dream has really struck me. It feels like it must be so heavily symbolic. I think Doug's presence is a symbol, also, especially because it would be so out of character for him to hurt any animal. Jon thought Doug could possibly represent negativity and the feelings of futility that are "poisoning me" lately; I told Jon I thought that Doug could represent science, and genetics, and the dream is indicated that the baby I will have will be severely disabled in some way, and I will care for a partial, damaged child without a functioning body, with great affection and kindness, but knowing its life won't last long. Jon says he hopes not, but he thinks that's a valid interpretation.
Birthday. The most unsullied parts were when I took the kids to the splash pad. I love being in the sun and the sweet heavy summer exhaustion that comes over us afterwards. Chai still runs away and doesnt always respond to me when I ask him to come back, but his journeyings seem to be much more contained and he doesn't run out to the road as much. He is more interested in interacting with other kids--today he adopted a family and was just chilling with them on the steps. He loved their baby and when her brother picked her up, he cried "You can't just take her from me!" It's so nice! Sparrow is also exploring a bit more with her trompy fat legs. She is so adorable in the sun with her dignified glee and he little bobbing ponytail. I love my little sweet fresh face girl and her loving hugs. This summer is a thousand times better than last summer (which makes me agonize over the possibility of how wretched next summer will be). Well, we went to the park, enjoyed sunny days, and then the kids slept while I spent the afternoon reading about #yessallwomen and the horrible sexual abuse cases within the church. It makes my head spin and crushes me how many children have carried/are carrying this burden. It is beyond what any reasonable human being could be expected to endure and yet it happens ALL the time.
Thirty is just a day older than yesterday. I'm not sad about that. I'm wearing some heavy emotional chains for many other reasons. Jonathan continues to be my constant. I feel I can depend on him no matter what. He creates such a steady, safe space.
This dream has really struck me. It feels like it must be so heavily symbolic. I think Doug's presence is a symbol, also, especially because it would be so out of character for him to hurt any animal. Jon thought Doug could possibly represent negativity and the feelings of futility that are "poisoning me" lately; I told Jon I thought that Doug could represent science, and genetics, and the dream is indicated that the baby I will have will be severely disabled in some way, and I will care for a partial, damaged child without a functioning body, with great affection and kindness, but knowing its life won't last long. Jon says he hopes not, but he thinks that's a valid interpretation.
Birthday. The most unsullied parts were when I took the kids to the splash pad. I love being in the sun and the sweet heavy summer exhaustion that comes over us afterwards. Chai still runs away and doesnt always respond to me when I ask him to come back, but his journeyings seem to be much more contained and he doesn't run out to the road as much. He is more interested in interacting with other kids--today he adopted a family and was just chilling with them on the steps. He loved their baby and when her brother picked her up, he cried "You can't just take her from me!" It's so nice! Sparrow is also exploring a bit more with her trompy fat legs. She is so adorable in the sun with her dignified glee and he little bobbing ponytail. I love my little sweet fresh face girl and her loving hugs. This summer is a thousand times better than last summer (which makes me agonize over the possibility of how wretched next summer will be). Well, we went to the park, enjoyed sunny days, and then the kids slept while I spent the afternoon reading about #yessallwomen and the horrible sexual abuse cases within the church. It makes my head spin and crushes me how many children have carried/are carrying this burden. It is beyond what any reasonable human being could be expected to endure and yet it happens ALL the time.
Thirty is just a day older than yesterday. I'm not sad about that. I'm wearing some heavy emotional chains for many other reasons. Jonathan continues to be my constant. I feel I can depend on him no matter what. He creates such a steady, safe space.
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