"Rene and Georgette Magritte in The Car after the War"

It was a stiff ten hours in the car today, wasted sunshine, the horrible density of fast/junk food. I cried at the end of Middlesex when Tessie asks if Callie will be able to have children. I have become so much more sensitive to narratives of aging and decay, of the vulnerability and inevitable pain of having children. This trip to Mexico, even with the uglier moments (the way I never quite feel connected and am left with the sour taste of overshare in my mouth) felt like a honeymoon with my children. I felt so bursting with love for them. I couldn't take my eyes off their sweet, funny faces. They are both so charming and kind and sassy. Sparrow's word for snuzzling and our relationship right now is "Mommybaby!" She loves to pat my chest and then lovingly lay her head on me, My darling, clever lady came home with a few more words, "Moh," and "No" more frequent than before, "Jesse" (I don't know if that one will stay) and "MeeeEEE!" My parents' relationship with my children is the best thing about my parents' relationship with me right now, easily. That was why I cried when my mother brought out the chile rellenos, beaming at my sister's brilliance in making them (that, and I cry at everything lately). Chai called to me from his seat, "When are we going to get to Mexico?" and he cried when we explained that we were going home.I miss being there already, even though sometimes it felt so good I couldn't take it in I loved sitting next to Jon in the car, and holding him, and kissing his face, and whispering sexual things in his ear ("No, mah Racherr! You're being ignorant!") He told me this afternoon that he loves that I'm sexually inappropriate. I feel torn up, petulant, and smug about the loss of the friend group. One piece I'm struggling with is how to un-entwine this man I adore so much from his folkloric past and from the tribe that exists to honor that history and their shared connection. It was always something that both attracted and repelled me; the friend group has given me so much fun and blissful belonging and a sense of coasting on their intellectual superiority, but I'm spat out (some of them likely feel that I've spat them out also) and it has made me realize how much they really are constantly present in the fabric of our lives, and how many empty pockets exist now for me that I can no longer access. I feel my convictions are just but that doesn't make feeling left out any easier It's hard to have Mary and Jon both in and so in that I can't just ignore it completely. I wish I could find something that would help me differentiate, a relationship or project completely separate from Jon that is as fulfilling and absorbing as his friendships and incessant activities are for him. I don't think it is likely.