Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Bird means no narrow crack, but open sky.

The way Sparrow walks is so adorable. She toddles and bobs and sways and sometimes runs with her head ducked in determination, arms flung out behind her back. She is my penguin love. My boy tells me he loves me every 3 minutes. "Money!" "What?" "I LOVE you!"

I felt harshness in my heart today when I met someone who acknowledged being cruel to their child. I felt tenderness take root in my heart when another client cried about not feeling wanted by anyone. Nothing is ever finished as long as we are alive, and sometimes that makes me so tired.

I feel relieved not to be spending my life  trying to shove my head into a patriarchal vise anymore. I like having breakfast at Cafe 300 on Sunday mornings and the smooth, easy afternoons. It's true that I would probably be benefited by teaching and serving and being pushed to learn those things, but I feel pushed enough...I feel I have more opportunities professionally and socially than I have the desire to flesh out right now. And I'm so grateful for that. Having my sister come to the postpartum group and acknowledge that my world means something meant everything.

Then Sunday night Jon didn't go to boys' night and we watched Dexter and slept together and fell alseep talking and holding hands. I love him so much. I love him so much. I'm so grateful for every minute  I get with him, every measured beat of closeness. I know our days are numbered but I'm glad I don't know the number. It's good. It's really good. I could be more ambitious but I like this pace. And it's a marvel and a milagro because I read something I wrote in 2010 and I was appalled by it. I couldn't recognize myself. I'm different now and so is he but we're still together. Isn't that amazing?

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